I think I will put this thought to rest. The point I was trying to make was to communicate this sense of alienation that I feel within Christian societies. But it does happen in my secular world too. Where people will say one thing but when you believe them and try to live consistently with what they are saying you find that you are a square peg in a round hole, as they never meant what they said.
I'm not saying poor me, look how the world is mistreating me, yada, yada, yada. I'm honestly saying I don't understand. The stories I told were fiction but very close to real, life experiences. The last story with the zealous missionary was about 90% true. I just changed the nationalities (it was China rather than Yemen) and a few of the trivial details.
I'm also not saying that I'm above implementing this type of disappointment onto others. I have someone right now accusing me and my office manager of ignoring her e-mails. Neither of us recall ever hearing from her. We've searched our inboxes back for months and can't find her e-mails. So, technical glitches do happen. I'm sure that I've disappointed people in many other ways as well.
But maybe it is the part of me that craves honesty that I could not imagine speaking in large groups how great my passion is for X, Y or Z, but then when someone approaches me on a private level about it . . . I show no interest whatsoever. I just couldn't live with myself.
But the bigger point, which I was trying to make, is that no one and I mean NO ONE, sees it like I do. They see no problem with the inconsistencies between the public face and the private face. This is where I feel totally out of connection with fellow human beings. I honestly don't know the script and I am a fish out of water.
I'm not saying poor me, look how the world is mistreating me, yada, yada, yada. I'm honestly saying I don't understand. The stories I told were fiction but very close to real, life experiences. The last story with the zealous missionary was about 90% true. I just changed the nationalities (it was China rather than Yemen) and a few of the trivial details.
I'm also not saying that I'm above implementing this type of disappointment onto others. I have someone right now accusing me and my office manager of ignoring her e-mails. Neither of us recall ever hearing from her. We've searched our inboxes back for months and can't find her e-mails. So, technical glitches do happen. I'm sure that I've disappointed people in many other ways as well.
But maybe it is the part of me that craves honesty that I could not imagine speaking in large groups how great my passion is for X, Y or Z, but then when someone approaches me on a private level about it . . . I show no interest whatsoever. I just couldn't live with myself.
But the bigger point, which I was trying to make, is that no one and I mean NO ONE, sees it like I do. They see no problem with the inconsistencies between the public face and the private face. This is where I feel totally out of connection with fellow human beings. I honestly don't know the script and I am a fish out of water.
11 comments:
You're a good writer, and writers have always been a little quirky I guess. You know like artists and composers and the like. :-)
I've appreciated what you've had to say and love the way you wrote this. I feel through your story you've communicated your confusion and frustration with how things are. I enjoy reading your stuff, even though I rarely comment.
MJ...I'm glad you decideded to keep this blog going. Your a life raft to someone like me.
Really, NO ONE sees it like you do? I've got to push back on that. Why would I love your blog, and so many who read it love it if NO ONE sees it? I work with Campus Crusade, know there is a ton of hypocrasy in these organizations and in the church, but what keeps me going is the hope that I'm not alone, the fact that personally know a ton of people who see what you see, and my faith informs me as well - a faith and a hope in a real Jesus.
But I understand you may have just been making your point by overstating it a bit. So ignore my comment if I just missed the point.
What I really like is your unique voice and history, as it makes for a really compelling case against gnostic dualism. Keep writing please!!!
Philip, when I say "No One" maybe I'm speaking more emotionally than factually. At least in the world in which I live, no else seems to be on the same page. Another example, which I didn't include in my postings, was a guy who does money management (mutual funds) does a Sunday school class on Christian money management. Parts are neutral and maybe (if you stretch it a bit) but to me it is so obvious that it is a weekly commercial for his business (he ended up signing up half the class to buy mutual funds from him) and I'm the only one saying "Wait a minute. Sure he is a great guy but should we be allowing people to market their business through SS class?" I was the only one in that church to raise the question and I was painted as a jerk (the guy leading the class was also one of the church leaders). So it certainly feels like I'm alone. Maybe the gift of the Internet is finding other people who share a similar script.
Emotional over factual and within your circles makes sense to me.
Your illustration makes me wonder how many things I let slip by in church that are simply anti-Christian.
Also, I'm glad the internet has brought your voice into my life. That's why I was getting scarred when I saw you had taken a break.
MJ,
I understand completely what you mean, because I've been there, done that. One of my stories is about a woman on the nominating committee who also taught a course on "Experiencing God." One of my single friends couldn't even make it to all 12 of the Experiencing God classes (and not due to reasonable valid reasons). So, in her vast wisdom, talked Rhonda into helping teach preschool. Saying, given more responsibility, she will come through.
She didn't.
I, too, am very grateful for the internet, for finding friends and those walking similar paths.
I also don't comment often anymore, but I do still check your blog almost daily for new posts. It's a constant reminder to be honest about my experiences and the claims I make from my faith. It is a reminder to be humble about my intellectual and practical grip on something that is not in any way depending on me gripping it (intellectual or practical). Seeing how it is grace - only grace. It must be, since I am human and thus prone to give a self-righteous (or self-condemning (another form of self-righteousness) slant to my convictions. All to keep the story revolving about me, me, me. But I'm not in the center of it, it's about God. So this self-centered story (whether it is self-righteousness or self-hatred) must be taken down for my eyes to be open to the larger story of God's unconditional love, the unconditional bestowing of meaning on us without us having to grasp for it. Your blog has been a tremendous help in that process. It's still a journey for me. I struggle with doubt, sometimes wonder why I believe at all, but one thing is sure: I need to know I'm loved by someone who knows me fully, and still wants to embrace me.
Oops, that last comment was mine,
Johan
Now, you didn't have to say all those kind things about this place. I feel that I do a lot of whining here.
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