Chasing the Wind

I was in that Solomon mood again this week. It is not to be confused with depression or even a sour type of mood. It was reflective and it was the accumulation of several factors.

For one, it was the second week in row which I had invested at least 60 hours towards my profession. It wasn't intended. It was exhausting. But I had to ask myself, for what? Maybe, in about 90 days from now, I will be about $300 richer for putting in 40 extra hours (over two weeks) . . . as that is how the math works out. Maybe, I hope, some of my patients suffered a little less because of the work I put in for their behalf. But sometimes I wonder. Chronic pain patients have a way, in their desperation, of sucking the blood out of you and leaving nothing behind.

With such a busy week, I ddn't have the time or the energy to write here. I wanted to participate over at imonk a time or two. But that blog reminds me of trying to jump on a merry-go-round in grade school. I can still remember standing and begging the kids on to slow down so I could jump on. Any attempt at the high speed would usually end with my face planted in the red clay.

I was especially interested in the take on women in the pastorate on imonk. I try not to comment until I've read all the previous comments. I had a minute here or there. I would read a few comments and come back later to find out that there had been ten more. I never caught up to the point I could post. Then, suddenly they changed horses again in mid-stream.

I am going to a church with a woman pastor. I never thought that I would because I too, thought it was un-Biblical. I've enjoyed Steph since I've been coming to her church and having gotten to know her even better, over the past two weeks, through a workshop for potential new members.

But back to chasing the wind.

My favorite TV show, during this season, is the Discovery Channel's Storm Chaser. I'm not sure why. I'm confident that my interest will dwindle over time. But I was deeply shaken this week when one of the main cast members (it is a reality show with real people) Matt Hughes, died. He didn't die from the chasing. As a matter of fact, during that last episode, Matt has his best chase ever. For the first time he was allowed to lead the IMax film team's truck (more like a tank). And, for the first time in 10 years of chasing, they actually got the truck in the middle of a tornado (their holy grail). Matt was as happy as any person could be on that night. He died a couple of days later.

How he died has never been made public. However, close friends say that the 31 year old father of two small boys, hung himself at home two days after his most glorious event. It just didn't make sense. The friend said he had suffered from depression for a long time.

I was shaken for a couple of days. He seemed to have everything, or at least those things that we assume would lead to happiness. He had a career. He was becoming a TV star (sort of). He was handsome. He had a beautiful wife and two wonderful sons. Depression is such a trickster, making someone who has everything think they have nothing. So much wind chasing, and I mean that more why than one. Matt had chased after the wind . . . and caught it. But, it was still all in vain.

Lastly, we got a call last night that my father-in-law was near death. It made me reflect all day on his life. I can remember the first time I met him, (and he wasn't much older than I am now) and he seems like a week ago. He is about 89 now. Man, how time does fly. Life is a vapor. We did hear tonight that he was doing a little better. Denise and I are trying to make plans to go to Minnesota . . . or not.

I'm about to go public with this blog. It started out three years ago being totally anonymous. Then, I went more public with who I am. Now, I'm about to share the site with my local friends. I still hope I can write with the extreme candor, which is characteristic of this site. But time will tell.