Vulnerability and Sharks

I was attending an "Exploring New Membership" class with my new pastor this week. She made a very candid comment about herself (can't remember what it was now). Later, she, in attempts in giving a realistic view of this church, she tried to explain some of the criticisms she faces. For one, which surprised me a bit, is that she is accused of "always getting her way" when it comes to church business.

But the next criticism was very different. She said that her candidness, and, in her words, "vulnerability" is offensive to some. Some people think it is unbecoming for a pastor to talk so easily of personal failures.

I relate to that. How man times I've been told that I'm an embarrassment to my profession, to be an elder, to being a Christian and even to being a man.

This uncomfortable-ness with self-incrimination is certainly not limited to Evangelicalism. If I have a criticism here of the evangelical church, is that it should be above this "put only your best foot forward" mentality. I mean, aren't we all on the same page? Blood of Jesus covering us . . . or we are totally (not a percentage) lost?

But I watch this scenario play out on many stages day after day. I'm on a medical blog and those (medical professionals) tend to be quite arrogant. God-forbid that anyone should saying something that doesn't put themselves in the most (inflated) positive light. But the same thing happens in many church settings. I may be wrong, but it is especially true with men.

So you say something honest, which shows your vulnerability for stupidity, or laziness, or sinfulness. Something like, "I should have gotten up to run Saturday morning, but that bed felt so good that I slept in until 9." It is like you are in a school of sharks and you just picked the scab on your knee. There is a little blood in the water and the sharks start swarming around you.

One takes a bite. "Nine AM! You must be joking. I haven't sept that late since I use to party all night, before I met the Lord." Then the next shark smells blood and swims closer, "Hey bro . . . I'll call you next Saturday at 5 AM. That's what time I get up. We can run together . . . that is if you can keep up with me (wink, wink)."

I dream of a world where we could say anything and the only litmus test was if it was true or not. No test if what you said makes you look godly or not. No test if what you said made you look manly or not. No test if what you said made you look like a professional or not . . . just simply, was it honest or not. Not if it fit some very precise theological position (that's why most people hold very precise theological positions, say in eschatology, just so they have a place to put their teeth in case you waiver from it.) Occasionally these people swim to the surface over at iMonk. I'm sure it is much more common on evangelical forums and blogs.

I've had a few friendships over the years where I knew that I could say absolutely anything and there would be no blood in the water, no search for a bite-hold in my flesh to tear me apart. I think our mothers (most normal mothers) fit that role. I have a sister like that. I could tell her that I robbed a bank and she would think that there must have been a good reason. But those are the kind of Christian friendships we all must envy.

Why Do We Christians Have to be so Weird About Imperfections?

Pictured is Dr. George Rekers, the country's (previous) most outspoken critic of homosexuality. He is at the Miami airport in May with his . . . paid . . . gay escort.

Now why am I bringing this up now? Honestly, it had completely slipped beneath my radar back in May. Apparently it was big news with the story broke. After all, he was James Dobson’s right hand man and his chief architect for programs to persuade people from becoming gay, and to re-convert them to heterosexuality. He had credentials. Besides being a Baptist minister, Dr. Rekers, is a Harvard graduate in neuropsychology. If you want to know more click on the title above and it will lead you to an excellent NY Times article.


Two of my sons were home this weekend, Ramsey and Quentin. Quentin is a very smart guy (PhD student in math and computer science). He’s the one who has made comments about what drives him away from Christianity is its farce factor. Quentin is the one who told me about the Reker story. So, I do take these things very personally . . . because they are. I am always haunted by the statistics that 85% of kids raised in “good Evangelical homes,” leave the church by the time they are 25.

But I hesitated bringing this up here. It seems that I’m always out to criticize Evangelicalism. But my point isn’t really about the hypocrisy of preaching against homosexuality, while renting “toy boys” for your own sexual gratification. This story sounds reminiscent of Ted Haggard doesn’t it?

It also reminds me of something one of my psychology professors described to me. He referred to it as the “St. Paul factor.” I think this was a layman’s term he used because—although he was teaching at a state school—it was in the Bible belt. What he meant was that those people who fight the hardest against certain moral vices . . . are themselves most tempted. I’m sure there is a more clinical term for the phenomenon.

What bothers me the most is a far more troubling and pervasive problem within Evangelicalism than simple hypocrisy . . . it is weirdness. I’m not sure if I can even put a handle on it right now but I think you know what I mean.

So when the Miami Herald sighted Dr. Rekers and published the story, he gave a couple of statements in the media (and on his blog). He tried to explain that he had surgery and he needed someone to carry his luggage during a vacation to Europe (notice in the photo the good doctor seems to be handling his own luggage pretty well thank you). So, he found this young man (and stranger), whom he paid, to travel with him an assist him in carrying his bags. The young man’s only advertising, though, was on a very graphic (may I say pornographic) web page. The page was explicit about its purpose, renting young, gay men for sexual favors.

Dr. Reker’s next statement was that he shared Jesus with the young man during the trip and that was the main purpose. However, soon after those clumsy explanations . . . Dr. Reker vanished. He stepped down from Focus on the Family. He stopped blogging the next day as well.

I’ve searched the web and I can’t find a single statement by James Dobson . . . not in Dr. Reker’s favor or against. This is the weirdness, which is the greater sin.

Say, that you completely believe Dr. Rekers. After all, we Christians are brainwashed—er—I mean taught to never question other Christians, especially if they are in a position of leadership. It falls under the “judge not least you be judge” misinterpretation. Even his story (if it was true) is bizarre. Would you really go online and rent a boy from a graphic gay porn site, not realizing he was an escort, just to carry your luggage on a European vacation? Who are we kidding here?

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then I thought of the most extreme situation. I knew a Dr. Black. He was handicapped with a spinal cord injury. He was also wealthy as he was a department head of a very famous medical center. Dr. Black couldn’t carry language very well. But he did travel a lot as he did medical talks all over the world. He never rented strange men from the Internet to carry his bags. I’m sure that colleagues helped him, the airlines helped him, his wife helped him or his medical students helped him. Dr. Rekers also taught in a medical school. As a leader of Focus on the Family, he was surrounded by capable people who could have helped him, especially if he was willing to pay their way. It not only doesn’t add up, but it is such a stupid explanation that it assumed that we are all idiots. Maybe the Christians buy such nonsense but those on the outside, and those like my son (whom I care dearly about) aren’t that stupid.

It is very much like my recent leaving of my old church. It could have been a healthy leaving. I wrote a very flattering letter to all my friends explaining that I love them, respect them and am not leaving mad. But, that letter was canned by the pastor. My leaving was instead swept under the rug . . . like a scene from bizarre-o-world. They now pretend that I never existed. It is the same bizarre behavior as James Dobson sweeping Dr. Rekers under the carpet. So, if Dr. Rekers does have a gay side, that isn’t the biggest problem he has. No, it is the strange world that has developed around the Evangelical kingdom . . . where all hands on deck are smiling . . . with smirks, while who knows what the hell lurks below deck.

More About Honesty

We were talking here of candor yesterday. Then, this morning I had the perfect real-life situation that illustrates how difficult this is.

About 20 years ago, as I was coming back from the mission field, burnt out, disillusioned with Christianity, I made a personal vow . . . I would never lie for Jesus again. I never knew how hard that vow would be to keep. I really do think that many people consider me a jerk. I think the number one reason I come across as a jerk are my attempts to be honest. I don't do it cruelly. I try my best to avoid those situations. But . . . they happen.

In the coffee shop this morning I was approached by a lady, whom I know well. Her husband, my wife and I, all sat on the board of directors of a local parachurch teen ministry. While I respect the full time workers of that group, and I do think they are doing good things, I became a bit disillusioned with them and eventually stepped down (after two years.) For one, they had an anti-intellectual approach with the kids. Their activities were going to tracker pulls, monster truck rallies and cage fights. The made fun of "book worms" and deep thinking. We still give them some money.

This organization has a major fund raiser once a year. It is a formal dinner. Each table has a "captain" who invites six other couples. Then, at the end of the dinner there is a long "shake down" for money. A lot of moving videos, testimonies and begging.

The first time I went to the dinner, six years ago, I was invited by my ex-pastor. He simply told us about a free dinner where we can catch up on the local youth ministries. We had no warning it was a shake down. I was a little red-faced, by the end (knowing that we had been set up). But eventually I agreed to go on the board . . . in my naivety . . . thinking I could have an influence in the direction the ministry was going. Turned out, the board was only involved in fund raising and nothing else.

So this is how the dialog went this morning. I will call my friend, "Megan."

Megan: Hi Mike. You know last year we had invited you to be table captains at youthministry's banquet and you were going to be out of town. Are you going to be in town this year, and if so, can you be table captains?

Mike: Hmm. We are probably going to be in town.

Megan: So you can do it?

Mike: Honestly, I could . . . but . . . I don't want to.

(Megan looks taken back)

Megan: Oh Really?

Mike: I know how hard it is for you to recruit captains, and having been on the board myself, I know it can get frustrating. However, we are already giving as much money as I want to. Also, I can't think of a single couple which it would be appropriate for us to invite. I mean, the couples I would invite would feel violated. The reason, some are good friends and they already give out the nose to groups and I really don't want to try and get them to give more.

All the other couples I could think of . . . well, it would be offensive if I invited them. I mean, they might come. But, I've hardly spoken to them for a year and for me to invite them to come to a shake down would hurt our relationship.

Meagan: We don't like inviting our friends either . . . but it is something we feel that we should do for the Lord.

Mike: I respect that, and like I said, I know it is hard for you, but I don't sense that calling from God that we should do this.

I could tell from her body language and further conversation that we had that she sensed me as a jerk. I had a wave of intense guilt come over me . . . a false guilt.

I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

Chasing the Wind

I was in that Solomon mood again this week. It is not to be confused with depression or even a sour type of mood. It was reflective and it was the accumulation of several factors.

For one, it was the second week in row which I had invested at least 60 hours towards my profession. It wasn't intended. It was exhausting. But I had to ask myself, for what? Maybe, in about 90 days from now, I will be about $300 richer for putting in 40 extra hours (over two weeks) . . . as that is how the math works out. Maybe, I hope, some of my patients suffered a little less because of the work I put in for their behalf. But sometimes I wonder. Chronic pain patients have a way, in their desperation, of sucking the blood out of you and leaving nothing behind.

With such a busy week, I ddn't have the time or the energy to write here. I wanted to participate over at imonk a time or two. But that blog reminds me of trying to jump on a merry-go-round in grade school. I can still remember standing and begging the kids on to slow down so I could jump on. Any attempt at the high speed would usually end with my face planted in the red clay.

I was especially interested in the take on women in the pastorate on imonk. I try not to comment until I've read all the previous comments. I had a minute here or there. I would read a few comments and come back later to find out that there had been ten more. I never caught up to the point I could post. Then, suddenly they changed horses again in mid-stream.

I am going to a church with a woman pastor. I never thought that I would because I too, thought it was un-Biblical. I've enjoyed Steph since I've been coming to her church and having gotten to know her even better, over the past two weeks, through a workshop for potential new members.

But back to chasing the wind.

My favorite TV show, during this season, is the Discovery Channel's Storm Chaser. I'm not sure why. I'm confident that my interest will dwindle over time. But I was deeply shaken this week when one of the main cast members (it is a reality show with real people) Matt Hughes, died. He didn't die from the chasing. As a matter of fact, during that last episode, Matt has his best chase ever. For the first time he was allowed to lead the IMax film team's truck (more like a tank). And, for the first time in 10 years of chasing, they actually got the truck in the middle of a tornado (their holy grail). Matt was as happy as any person could be on that night. He died a couple of days later.

How he died has never been made public. However, close friends say that the 31 year old father of two small boys, hung himself at home two days after his most glorious event. It just didn't make sense. The friend said he had suffered from depression for a long time.

I was shaken for a couple of days. He seemed to have everything, or at least those things that we assume would lead to happiness. He had a career. He was becoming a TV star (sort of). He was handsome. He had a beautiful wife and two wonderful sons. Depression is such a trickster, making someone who has everything think they have nothing. So much wind chasing, and I mean that more why than one. Matt had chased after the wind . . . and caught it. But, it was still all in vain.

Lastly, we got a call last night that my father-in-law was near death. It made me reflect all day on his life. I can remember the first time I met him, (and he wasn't much older than I am now) and he seems like a week ago. He is about 89 now. Man, how time does fly. Life is a vapor. We did hear tonight that he was doing a little better. Denise and I are trying to make plans to go to Minnesota . . . or not.

I'm about to go public with this blog. It started out three years ago being totally anonymous. Then, I went more public with who I am. Now, I'm about to share the site with my local friends. I still hope I can write with the extreme candor, which is characteristic of this site. But time will tell.

When The "Gospel" is Used to Devalue the Self

Denise is a nurse at the local hospital. Frequently they have patients who enter a phase of crisis (like facing death) and they ask for (or the staff recommends) a chaplain.

Like the on-call medical staff, a large group of ministers take turns covering "chaplain call." This spectrum covers from the most conservative evangelical to the mainstream churches, new-age spiritual churches to Catholic and Buddhist groups.

Denise commented that it is sad, but when she sees one of the evangelical chaplains on call, she knows that by calling him, it is worthless to the patient or their family. He comes in, hands them his business card. Asked them if they have any questions about Jesus and leaves. He spends 5 minutes with them, that is, if they are not interesting in hearing the gospel.

On the other hand, the Buddhist chaplain is their favorite. He is soft spoken. Has no message or product to sell anyone . . . but he deeply values the life of the patient and their family. He sees his time as his gift. So he comes into the room, pulls up a chair beside the sick person (who is often alone) and sits with them . . . for hours. He is willing to listen to anything they want to say. He will get them a Kleenex or help them, but no big message. There is a lesson for us Christians to gleam from this . . . an important one.

Ecclesiastical - Prenuptial

I know that this whole concept might sound odd. But, based on what I recently went through as I tried to leave my old church, I felt like it was the smart thing to do.

I am attending a two week "Exploring Membership" class at my new church. At the end of the first 2 hour meeting the pastor asked if there were any pressing questions from the group that she could answer then, or work on for next week. She gave the example that many new people wants to know how the church stands on certain theological issues.

I thought for a while . . . but then I had to ask the following question;

You know, I hate to even bring this up. Here I am getting ready to join a new church, but I must ask, what would happen if I decided to leave in a few years? In other words, how does this church see my commitment to join? You see, some in my last church perceived my joining as the same commitment of a man marrying his wife. Therefore, this must mean my leaving is the same as divorce, and the leaving for another church is the same as betrayal (or adultery).

The pastor looked at me oddly, then she answered.

Oh. Good heavens no. I just had lunch today with a couple that said they were leaving. The hard thing was that they were also leaving The Church, never to attend anywhere again. I would have been delighted if they had chosen another church in town to attend and that wouldn't have bothered us all all. Certainly a church membership is nowhere near the same as two people getting married.

I did want to have lunch with them and I wrote them an e-mail promising if they would have lunch, that I would not, in any way, attempt to talk them in to coming back. But I just wanted to communicate to them that I love them and support them and that they are leaving in peace. I didn't say this as not to put guilt on them, but I am concerned about them because they don't want to go to any church and I will be praying for them.

It made me feel better. But it was an awkward question to ask, the same as asking a woman to marry you, but then talking about the congruency plan if later you want to divorce her.

The Art of Self Deception

The Temple of Apollo at Delphi supposedly had the Greek inscription above the door, translated simply as "Know Thyself." It is certainly a goal worth pursuing, even though unobtainable.

One of my favorite verses (to illustrate this point) is Jer 17:9,10 describing the human heart (psyche, mind, etc) is unknowable and deceitful beyond anything else on earth.

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

¹⁰ “I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”

I am reminded of this on a daily basis, as I see many patients who have no insight to their, rather serious, psychiatric disorders. There is a saying around medicine (the practice of) that those who are most seriously mentally ill . . . are usually the last to know.

Depressed people might go through denial, at least at first, then their depression becomes the inescapable fact (unless they blame the world, perpetually). Anxious people tend to deny their flaw longer, often converting their anxieties into physical illness.

But the really mad people, the sociopaths, psychopaths, personality disorder sufferers, will never know themselves because the very nature of their illness prevents it. This is the real darkness of the Fall. These people make life hell for those around them (even more so than for themselves). The same number of these people exist inside the church as outside. Inside (because Christians tend to be naive about psychological disorders, blaming everything on "spiritual issues") it often goes "undiagnosed."

Why am I talking about this again? Two reasons have brought this topic to the forefront of my mind.

I think in the lead up to Halloween, a local cable channel showed the psychological thriller, Hide and Seek, several times over the past couple of weeks. I saw the beginning on one day, then finished the story by reading it online the next day.

In the story, David (Robert De Niro) is a psychologist, who's wife commits suicide leaving him and his daughter Emily (Dakota Fanning). They move from the city to upstate New York. There, Emily seems to create an imaginary friend, Charlie. But before long it becomes apparent that Charlie is real because he does things that little Emily could not have done, from opening a stuck window to pushing a woman out of her window . . . killing her.

To make a long story short, David finally realizes that HE is Charlie. That like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario, David (because of a multi personality disorder) transforms into Charlie. Indeed, it is later revealed, that his wife never committed suicide, but Charlie (David's alter ego) murdered her because she was having an affair. But, David knew nothing about his dark side until the end.

Now, I will take the story into the real-Christian context.

I've always enjoyed the true mystery shows, like NBC's Dateline and ABC's 20/20 especially when they deal with these psychological dramas (and even more so with it is about supposedly good people, doing horrible things). I think it is the same reason I like archeology programs, or some kind of science mystery. It is the intrigue that drives me, wanting to know more.

Last week 20/20 did a follow story about Matt Baker, a former Baptist pastor, whose wife died of "suicide" or so they thought. As the police investigated the story, there were many suspiciousness things coming to the surface, especially his friendship with a beautiful woman in his church. He was openly dating her within two weeks of his wife's death. He had 17 phone calls a day to her, starting well before his wife's death.

The new development was that the "other woman" finally came forward and described how her and pastor Baker had been sleeping together well before his wife's strange suicide and, in fact, he described to her in detail how he had suffocated his wife.

After that long introduction, here is the main point. Matt Baker swore, in his quiet, convincing, kind voice that he had never had an affair and had not killed his wife. A group of his closest friends stood by him saying he was a deeply kind and godly man.

By the day of the trial, he had to admit that he had been sleeping with the woman, although he still denies killing his wife.

Watching his very sincere, convincing video interview . . . any person in their right mind would believe him and trust him. But that's the way with psychopaths. They lie so well, that I think they can even start to believe their own lies.

On a much less serious level (than being a secret murderer) It leaves one to humbly ask God, "Search my heart and know me." It also gives me justification to trust, only with caution, the stated motives of other Christians. We are all warped . . . some, like Pastor Baker, seriously so.