Why It's Hard to Talk to an Evnagelical - Part II - The Chink in the Armor Syndrome Cont.

I wanted to do a post, deconstructing my last one. After that I wanted to re-construct how I had wished Jack had responded to me. But the more I though about it, I was feeling a little uncomfortable with the story that has me as a victim.

Today, while in the gym, I pushed my mind to come up with an example when I was the perpetrator. It was hard but not because I rarely am such a Evang-o-jerk. It’s a hard to remember examples because when I was most notorious was years ago. Not to say that I’m not guilty now. Now,I am often blind to my own faults . . . the log in my eye syndrome.

But, I did come up with a good example. It is good because it was horrible and will be brief to tell.

Setting: I was raising our support to go on the mission field twenty years ago. I had been travelling around the country but came back to Ypsilanti, Michigan to speak at a church service. After church I had the conversation with a man, Ron, who I knew fairly well. While we had been out of town for a few months Ron had suffered a serious heart attack . . . and he was only 38 years old. We had our conversation in the vestibule of the church.

Ron: I guess you heard about my heart attack?

Me: Yeah that was terrible. Are you okay now?

Ron: Well, I’m in rehab. I’ve changed my diet and am exercising. However, I’m scared to death. I just can’t sleep at night anymore. My chest pain started in the middle of the night and now I keep think I feeling it again.

Me: (With a big smile on my face) Hey Ron, I have a verse for you. (this was something we were taught to say in the Navigators . . . just before we slammed someone in the face with a Bible verse with the intention of making them feel really stupid and unspiritual).` Proverbs 3:24 says, “when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” My sleep is sweet. You see, I use to suffer from insomnia before I was a Christian. Then God gave me peace. Now I know that God will protect me. The worst thing that could happen (quoting a concept from Bill Gothard) is that I would die. But if I died; a) it would be God’s will, b) I would be in heaven with Him and c) so it would be great! You just have to believe what God says. (Then I padded him on the back and walked away).

Now, if I really loved Ron more than myself and was not interested in making myself look spiritual and tearing him down (in order to make me look good), I would have said something more like the following:

Me: Oh, I did hear about it and I’ve been thinking about you. Man, I would have been scared to death. How are you holding up?

Ron: I’m doing okay, trying to get in better shape, but I am scared, so scared that I can’t sleep well at night.

Me: Of course you are scared. You wouldn’t be human not to be. I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to sleep either. There’s nothing unspiritual about that. Have you talked to your doctor about this? I mean, he might need to prescribe something to help you cope with your anxiety until you get over some of the shock of it. Man, you’re my hero. I think I would be going nuts by now. I have a lot of problems with anxiety. Honestly I can’t sleep the nights before I have to do a talk in front of a large crowd. I can’t imagine the fear of having a freakin heart attack.

Anyway, you get my point. The operative word is Grace. When we have a conversation, we want to go there relaxed . . . like showing up naked rather than in a suit of armor. We want the other person to respect us to the point that no matter what we say, they will (in grace) give us the benefit of the doubt. Of course I’m not speaking about extremes like saying “I thinking about trying meth . . .or I’m leaving my wife” without some questioning. But event that questioning should be done in a spirit of grace.

When the Church (capital C) creates a world where we can talk to each other without fear (wearing our suits of armor) then we can talk about where we really are in life. The more we know where each other are, the better the Church can be.

My Friend Terry Has Died

Above is Terry doing the "L" sign . . . for leukemia.

I came on line just now to work on my postings and to respond to the comments. I checked my E-mail and just got word that my friend Terry died about an hour ago. In case you are new to this blog, I wrote a lot about Terry a few postings ago.

How do I fee? I feel very, very sad. I was choked up and tears were running down my face as I just posted on their blog. This is what I wrote:

I feel deeply sad so sad that I can barely type for the tears. I feel terribly angry. Of course God is all powerful and in control and now He is really pissed. No one hates cancer more than He.

What a terrible intrusion. What a hideous aberration. I only wish that we could take some of your burden of pain off your hearts. We love you guys very much.

There is so much more I would like to say, but just feel too sad. I will say that no belief system gives us more right to scream and clinch our fists at death than Christianity. I don't know how we made grieving so dysfunctional. It does not offend God when we scream. I feel so sad for their family. CANCER SUCKS!!!!! It took my dad too. IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS!

I just know that some Evangelical friends will try to mold a "Precious Moments" figurine out of this pile of shit.

Why It's Hard to Talk to an Evnagelical - Part II - The Chink in the Armor Syndrome

I did a little research into the word "chink" to make sure that this was the metaphor that I really wanted to use here. Unfortunately I discovered that is has some what of racial roots. It was a term, or slang name, that originated by Europeans for Asian races (taken from the same root word as "China") and it stood for their eye. The Europeans saw Asian eyes as a slit rather than rounded as theirs.

But moving beyond any racial overtures, the term also started to mean a narrow slit between anything, especially between the joints on a suit of armor. These joints, such as the arm pit, were the vulnerable points of armor. The suits had to be flexible so the joints were required. However, each army trained heavily in techniques for exploiting these “chinks” for the kill.

I decided to stick with this metaphor because as I read on, I saw that the same word came to mean the gaps between bricks in a wall (the mortar joints.) In my previous post I spoke of how basic conversations between believers are the mortar joints that make up the walls that, in turn, make up the entire Church. So these conversations ARE very important. You can not hate conversations with other believers AND love Christ’s Church.

Background:

To start with, we are all insecure . . . especially men. Just watch a single man in a bar with a beautiful young woman and you will see this play out the best.

I see this insecurity as part of the Fall of Adam. I differ now in my thinking, than when I was an Evangelical. I don't think that once we are a Christian we don't improve that much. The insecurities persist but we take on more “socially accepted” (in the Christian society) ways of dealing with it. When I was an Evangelical, I believed that as soon as you became a Christian and when you started to grow, most of the bad ways of thinking went away and most of the way I thought was pure and right.

When we have conversations with others, to compensate for our deep insecurities, we like to portray ourselves better than we are (Evangelicals have to use a little humble trickery to pull this off without looking proud . . . like "GOD did such and such through little ole me"). At the same time, we try to put others down. The reason, speaking psychologically here, is to use them for leverage.

The chink-in-the-armor syndrome is where we as Christians, have our radars on, looking for the chink in the armor of the bother (mostly) or sister when we are in conversation with them. That radar can take on several forms. It can be theological radar, looking for some deviation of nice, clean pure doctrine. I think our subconscious actually wants the other person to have an error, so we can call them on it and feel better about ourselves. Inside our heads we think, “Wow. I caught him. I am God’s gift to the world, or at least God’s ambassador . . . rooting out error in others.)

I think the best way to illustrate this situation is to share a real life experience. I will admit that this one was somewhat of the extreme, but true and I will try very hard not to embellish the story. Within the story, look for the examples I was talking about.

Jack and Me

Physical Setting: I was flying from Rochester, MN to the west coast for a Mayo Clinic business trip. I boarded a small commuter prop plane in Rochester bound for the twin cites. I sat down besides a 35 (about) year old man I will call “Jack.” I just happened to have a Bible on my lap because I had taken it out of my carry on to read on the plane.

Personal Setting: This was one of the most difficult times in our lives. I won’t go into all the details, however, on the financial front things were tough.

We had built a home in Michigan a few years earlier when I had taken a job there. Soon, after arriving in Michigan I discovered that the job was in a group practicing Medicaid fraud and I had to get out. The house contractor (a Lutheran pastor in his day job) made huge blunders on the house, and then went bankrupt. We were left with a ½ built home . . . that put us in deep in debt to complete it and fix the problems. Then we put the house on the market and I took the job at Mayo Clinic. At the time of the story, the house in Michigan had not sold for after 6 years (finally sold about the 9th year on the market).

Since we were paying two mortgages, we almost were in financial ruin. My wife and I had spent hundreds of hours in prayer over the situation. We had our churches and friends praying for us. I was working two jobs and was almost to the point of physical exhaustion. Although we had 5 children at home at the time, my wife had to make a very hard decision to go back to work.

Jack: (Smiling and looking at my book on my lap), “Is that a Bible?”

Me: “Yes it is.”

Jack: (Reaching out to shake my hand firmly) “Well, you must be a Christian . . . I’m too!”

Me: (smiling softly) “That’s nice.”

Jack:

Actually I’m the president of the Firemen for Christ for the sate of Minnesota. I’ve been a fireman for about 15 years. I got involved with Christian ministry about 10 years ago when I went to a Promise Keeper’s convention. It changed my life. I eventually became one of the leaders of Promise Keepers for the entire Midwest. I was behind bringing the Promise Keepers convention to the Twin Cities a couple of years ago.

Then I decided to start the Firemen for Christ organization. It has been a really blessing. God has used my life in ways I never imagined. I’ve discipled many men. I have four men in local communities, each with their own Firemen for Christ group. So my ministry is really multiplying. God is really good to me!

We have four wonderful kids that my wife and I are home schooling. That is the only way that education should be done. I would never allow my kids to go to a humanistic public school where they teach evolution and that gay lifestyle is okay.

Do you have any kids?

Me: “Yes . . . we have five.”

Jack: “That’s wonderful. Where do they go to school?”

Me: (I’m starting to see the writing on the wall) “Well, they are in the public school in Spring Valley.”

Jack: (with a very disappointed look on his face) “Really?”

Me: (being the coward that I am) “Oh, we use to home school our kids. However, we had to put them back in public school this year for financial reasons.”

Jack: “Well, I’ve learned that when you put God first in your life, he will provide all your financial needs. My wife quit her job when she found out her boss was living with his girlfriend. We just trusted God. She has stayed home teaching the kids since and God is faithful to take care of us. It was like a miracle, as soon as she quit, I got a raise.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Jack: “Maybe you were just trying to live outside your means. I mean, God provides, but you have to live inside your means.”

Me: (Feeling angry at this point). “Listen, it has bee a very hard few years. Right now we own two homes and we are paying about $3,000 a month in mortgage costs. There is nothing we can do about it. We bought our present home for $115,000, is that living outside our means?”

Jack: “I don’t think you need a vacation home if it forces you to compromise your children’s’ faith by sending them to public school.”

Me: (showing a little anger now) “I didn’t say anything about a vacation home! We use to live in Michigan and our house there will not sell and it has been on the market for six years. We built it for $170,000 and we are trying to sell it for $125,000 now and it just won’t sell!”

Jack: “Oh, I just turn those things over to the Lord and he takes care of it. Have you done that? I mean, I can tell you are stressed out about it. I mean, since I trusted Jesus as my savior I have never known such peace. I use to have a temper too.”

Me: “Yes Jack, I have turned it over to the Lord. I’m been on my knees every night with my wife for six years praying for that house. I walk in the park every evening for a hour praying for that house. For a while I fasted one day a week to pray for that house to sell.”

Jack: “Well, I’ll pray for you. I’m a man of faith and amazing things happen when I pray. One of my disciples was really sick and even the doctors at Mayo couldn’t help him. But then they called me. I prayed for him one night and he was better the next day. A real miracle and I give God all the credit.”

Me: (being sarcastic, but Jack not realizing it) “Good idea Jack. Pray for my house to sell. That would be wonderful . . . praise the Lord.”

How to Talk to an Evangelical . . . if you Must.

Okay, this posting has nothing to do with Ann, sorry to disappoint you. Just the title of her book seemed like a good introduction to the topic I want to talk about. Ann of course is the pin-up girl of the right (and many Evangelical men fantasize about being on a deserted island . . . just them and Ann . . . laying on the beach, her brushing her hair over in that sexy way) and of course talking about how the liberals have taken this country away from God.

A better subtitle of what I want to say, is sharing my honest thoughts on why it is hard to talk to evangelicals. I know, this sounds cruel, mean, negative and not the loving thing to do. But I think I have the right to do so because; 1) it’s an important topic with many sociological, psychological and theological implications, 2) I was a hard-core Evangelical for 20 year. I was the worse of the worse. Therefore I have the unique perspective to discuss this topic, 3) I really do like my Evangelical friends. They are good people (beware using “good” in the relative sense) and I really do WANT to talk to them and be their friends . . . but it is hard.

Evangelicals do not hesitate to talk about how important the Church is (with a capital "C"). However, if the Church were a building (speaking in metaphors) then the mortar between the bricks is the simple conversations between believers. It really boils down to that simple common denominator. So conversations ARE very important. I find it odd, that many of us, who stand firmly to support the Church, care the least about honest conversations.

So, again, I may look cynical, but I’m talking on this very basic part of Christian human behavior because it is the mortar that holds the whole building together.

I will continue in Part II

The Blame Game - Another Opium of Dying

With my friend Terry still on my mind, I had to share a few more thoughts. The latest is that his wife and daughter is bringing him tonight to die. I’m meeting with the pastor in the morning at 7 to pray for him and his family. We still do pray for a supernatural miracle . . . but will not be disappointed in God if he does not intervene.

I noticed two observations with how we evangelicals deal with loss or failure and both relate to Terry.

About two weeks ago I was part of a large fund-raising auction. I sat with a group of people, all from one very popular charismatic church on our island. The thing I noticed, and it wasn’t a bad thing, is that they were all over-the-top a bit. What I mean is that each time the next person would show up, they would all give each other these huge hugs, slaps on the back and saying things like, “Isn’t God good!” They were very jovial and loud.

There is nothing wrong with the way they interacted. But in the middle of the up-beat conversation, the guy sitting next to me turned and asked, “So what’s happening at your church?” He had a big smile on his face.

I honestly searched my mind for some type of spiritual answer that I knew would satisfy him. But really, Terry’s serious health was the only thing that has been on my mind lately. After thinking, I looked up and said, “Well one of our members is dying.”

The reaction I got from him and another guy listening to us was just like I had cocked my leg up and farted. They were speechless. No questions, but a look of disappointment on their faces as I had done something antisocial.

The second thing that happened was today in the gym. As I was getting dressed a Christian friend came in. After greeting each other, I looked up and asked, “You know Terry (lastname) don’t you?” I figured he did because they work for the same fire department.

He looked at me with concern, “Yeah . . . didn’t he just pass away.”

“No,” I said. Then I explained what had been happening. I told him that we were expecting Terry to recover fully up until a couple of weeks ago, then he took a sudden turn for the worse..

This guy looked at me and shook his head, “Yeah . . . but he was a smoker.”

I was perplexed by his statement. I had never seen Terry smoke, but I had smelled cigarettes on him at church. It wasn’t a big deal to me except that I hate the ill, health, effects of smoking.

Actually, there is a relationship between smoking and leukemia but it is subtle and the science is not clear.

In the fist example, again I sense that we Christians really don’t know how to deal with bad news. To share an honest, but sad story among Christian friends is as socially offensive as farting really loud.

In the second situation, I observe how we build insulation between ourselves and bad things by casting blame. Yeah, Terry smoked. So somehow he got what he deserved. Therefore, the reasoning goes, since I’m so smart not to smoke, I’m protected. That some how gives us some comfort.

It is presumptuous to believe that Terry’s leukemia is related to his smoking. Many, many people die from leukemia and have never smoked.

I just wish we could embrace failure, sadness, and bad news better. Me must separate the concept of bad news from the implications that God failed, wasn't listening . . . or that something is wrong with our faith.

"Dying"

Terry's family used the "Dying" word for the first time today, on their blog. It takes a lot of courage to do so.

When Bad Things Happen - Against the Prosperity Gospel Part III (and last)

In review, this topic began when, a friend of mine, Terry, who is seriously ill with cancer, got suddenly worse. He was expected to respond to treatment and recover. He was following the script up until December. Then he took a downturn (against the odds in his favor). Last week, he took a devastating turn when he had central nervous system lesions—from which no one (as far as I know) has recovered.

I had watched this pattern among our Christian friends (Terry and I go to the same church). We were talking about and praying for Terry every week. Then, when he got really sick, everyone went silent. They didn’t know how to respond to such bad news.

Update: Terry had radiation of his brain, and as expected, he’s had some cognitive improvement. As a medical practitioner, I know that this does not change his grim prognosis. However, he was back on the radar again this week with news of this miracle.

I am very happy that he is back on the front burner. Indeed, there is going to be some special prayer time at church this week for him and I deeply applaud that. I hope to participate. I do pray for a miracle . . . a real, supernatural miracle. I want Terry to be healed and fully recover. I don’t doubt that God can do that . . . although I observe that real miracles are rare.

Now the question that I have raised is why do bad things happen despite our prayers? Why do they, sometimes, follow the worse possible course rather than a miraculous course? But more specifically than those ageless philosophical and religious questions, I’m asking a sociological and psychological question. Why do we Evangelicals feel so uncomfortable with bad news? I honestly think the bad news about Terry is what caused him to disappear off the Church’s radar for a week. He was not following the Evangelical narrative.

Here is how I see things. I really think that this issue is deeply tied to the unhealthy dualistic influence within the Church. With this view, this physical world is totally insignificant at best or evil at worst.

If this physical world has no significance, then, if anything here has meaning, it must be intimately tied to the spiritual by God, the puppeteer, strings.

I flipped on the radio and it was tuned to a Christian radio program. I don’t listen to Christian radio. If I could find something like the Mars Hill Forum, I would listen to it, but around here it is usually wild-eyed evangelists.

This radio preacher was mainstream (I think even part of a Focus on the Family program). He was shouting, “Every event of your life, every person you meet, and every thought in your head is no accident . . . no, it is an encounter with God almighty. The question is . . . what will you do with this date with destiny?” Seems like an oxymoron. God controls everything . . . but your choice determines the outcome.

There is a great security like religious opium that makes you want to believe that every event of your life is controlled by God for a wonderful purpose.

But if you are not a dualist then you believe that God really did create this wonderful world and it, within itself, has great value. If this world has great value, then events of this world have great value. When the Fall of Adam has tainted this world . . . then this world becomes really, really dangerous.

I can drive to a nearby bridge, which is 250 feet high, and jump off. If I do, I will die. There’s no puppeteer’s stings to prevent it, drawing me back up like a bungee cord. So in this paradigm, bad things can happen. Bone marrow cells can follow the laws of biology and divide in error, part of the fall of Adam, and thus they can become cancerous. If there is a 90% chance that you will recover, there are still ten people out of one hundred who will follow the course of my friend.

My Evangelical friends see me as having a God that’s too small. That is a great misunderstanding. I am even a Calvinist. My God is bigger than that of most Evangelicals. Many Evangelists have a God that created a universe that is only 6,000 light years in diameter. Then there is a wall, something like in the Truman Show, where God projects the images of billions of galaxies with his digital projector.

My God has created an enormous universe, at least 13.5 billion light years across. My god doesn’t do silly miracles like making your leg grow (in millimeters) as some faith healers say they do. He doesn’t do “miracles” like making migraines a little less often, make a snowflake or a rainbow. No, when my God does miracles, they are real miracles like raising people from the dead. He doesn’t do these miracles often but they are real.

So shit happens . . . and that’s the effect of the Fall of Adam in this real world. If you read the entire chapter of Mathew 10, and not just verse 29, you will see the truth. That verse, about the sparrows, is in the midst of Jesus telling them of all the terrible things that WILL happen. He makes it clear that those who DO kill the body can not kill the soul. That is where we feel safe. No one can take our soul but there is no promise of prosperity.