I look over this blog like looking over one of those old auto plants in the outskirts of Detroit or an old steel mill outside of Pittsburgh . . . before it went through a major metro-renaissance. I see a "ruins" of many postings that were started but never finished and rest in the purgatory of "draft" state.
But I don't feel sad about it. It is simply a state of life that I'm in right now. I am still thinking. Reading and thinking. But I'm tired of trying to write because of my lack of time. As soon as I have two sentences down I have an interruption. A patient calling. My wife making a comment that that I'm buried in my laptop rather than talking to her. She is already giving me dirty looks and I just started. So, I type as fast as I can with no proof-reading. Then I come back days later to read it, only to feel horrified about silly typos. But my horrification [sic] is deeply seated in this eternal quest that we all have to be significant. Typos make us look dumb. In our society dumb people are insignificant. But I digress again.
The other thing that left so many writings hanging was when I did get the chance to proof-read them, they started to come across as complaining again. I don't feel like a complainer. I am a pilgrim who is just trying to find that ledge on the cliff that is stable enough to sit on. The rock that holds one up and makes some sense in a world that doesn't. Actually the world does make sense when you see its underpinnings but those are totally inconsistent with the ideals that we hold as the purpose of actions. The world is a masquerade. But honestly can endure but to seek it will marginalize yourself.
I love movies as an art from. One of my favorite is Revolutionary Road. There is a scene in the movie, which is so classic, that I hold on to it. It reassures me that the screenplay writer, the novelist (Richard Yates), the director, all have made the same observation as I have. The one character, who society says is insane, John Givings, is actually the most sane one of the group. He lives in a pure honesty while all the other characters weave such complex psychological coverings that is all fiberglass and paint.
I hope to be back, unless I've already said everything I need to say. I come here tonight only because I checked my stats and see that about 100 people per day still visit. Most stumble on it by accident I'm sure. Some are reading things I wrote years ago like some time of time-warp. They read because they are at the place I was then. Coming out of evangelicalism but wanting to keep the baby without the bath. Then there are the evangelicals that come here to send me messages that I've said something "unBiblical," which might send me to hell. To them "Biblical" really means conformity to their small world.
I am still comfortable in my skeptical Christianity. I was told once by a Christian leader that skepticism rest on a slippery slope that quickly pitches off into hell. Maybe hes was right. But so far I've been sitting on this ledge very comfortably for at least a decade. I love doubting. But it does make you lonely.
I am happy to say that my business, which has totally consumed me for three years, has had a sudden turn for the better. I can see light at the end of the tunnel where I can work 40 or 50 hour weeks instead of the >60. Then I hope I will have time to write again . . . if I have anything to say that is worth writing.
But I don't feel sad about it. It is simply a state of life that I'm in right now. I am still thinking. Reading and thinking. But I'm tired of trying to write because of my lack of time. As soon as I have two sentences down I have an interruption. A patient calling. My wife making a comment that that I'm buried in my laptop rather than talking to her. She is already giving me dirty looks and I just started. So, I type as fast as I can with no proof-reading. Then I come back days later to read it, only to feel horrified about silly typos. But my horrification [sic] is deeply seated in this eternal quest that we all have to be significant. Typos make us look dumb. In our society dumb people are insignificant. But I digress again.
The other thing that left so many writings hanging was when I did get the chance to proof-read them, they started to come across as complaining again. I don't feel like a complainer. I am a pilgrim who is just trying to find that ledge on the cliff that is stable enough to sit on. The rock that holds one up and makes some sense in a world that doesn't. Actually the world does make sense when you see its underpinnings but those are totally inconsistent with the ideals that we hold as the purpose of actions. The world is a masquerade. But honestly can endure but to seek it will marginalize yourself.
I love movies as an art from. One of my favorite is Revolutionary Road. There is a scene in the movie, which is so classic, that I hold on to it. It reassures me that the screenplay writer, the novelist (Richard Yates), the director, all have made the same observation as I have. The one character, who society says is insane, John Givings, is actually the most sane one of the group. He lives in a pure honesty while all the other characters weave such complex psychological coverings that is all fiberglass and paint.
I hope to be back, unless I've already said everything I need to say. I come here tonight only because I checked my stats and see that about 100 people per day still visit. Most stumble on it by accident I'm sure. Some are reading things I wrote years ago like some time of time-warp. They read because they are at the place I was then. Coming out of evangelicalism but wanting to keep the baby without the bath. Then there are the evangelicals that come here to send me messages that I've said something "unBiblical," which might send me to hell. To them "Biblical" really means conformity to their small world.
I am still comfortable in my skeptical Christianity. I was told once by a Christian leader that skepticism rest on a slippery slope that quickly pitches off into hell. Maybe hes was right. But so far I've been sitting on this ledge very comfortably for at least a decade. I love doubting. But it does make you lonely.
I am happy to say that my business, which has totally consumed me for three years, has had a sudden turn for the better. I can see light at the end of the tunnel where I can work 40 or 50 hour weeks instead of the >60. Then I hope I will have time to write again . . . if I have anything to say that is worth writing.
4 comments:
I have your blog on my feed list and watch for new posts. I watch because, while I don't agree with everything you say, I often read and think, I could have written that because it's exactly how I feel. I also sit on the ledge, although I'm not as comfortable there as you, at least not yet.
I llok forward to reading more, whenever you have time.
Thanks.
i'm also sitting on my own little ledge, perhaps we're on the same ledge. on the same day that you wrote this post i wrote of my own little wilderness experience and how i was hoping i was coming out of it. i know that part of my experience is related to anxiety but it's also rooted in a search for God.
like you, i'm ok with my own doubt. it's part of me and like a member of my church community once said to me "well Jesus loved Thomas too."
I'm glad to hear you're still around! I'm one of those who checks your site semi-regularly for new postings. I think "the ledge" is populated with more and more people discouraged by the direction of the evangelical church, but hanging on to the deep truth that is Christianity. I'm glad you complain -- much better to complain than to go along with the right-wing-amerification of the church. Glad your work life is becoming more manageable, and look forward to more posts when you are able.
Mike, don't be bashful about asking questions even if you think you're a skeptic.
A couple of verses in that vein: 1John 4:1, "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." and Romans 3:4, "Let God be true though every man be false."
Your friend who suggested you were on a slippery slope may be right, but maybe not. He's also falling into that works-righteous trap of getting people to question whether they're Christians or not if they have honest doubts. I'm getting tired of hearing that, and maybe they need a slap in the face with a wet mackeral.
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