I was typing away about a week ago . . . the computer sputtered . . . then died. I am computer-less right now. I found a used one on Ebay and have purchased it, and it should be on it's way. But it will not arrive before I leave town on Tuesday.
It is funny, but when I have nothing to type on, no where to write, I suddenly get writer's diarrhea (vs block). So many ideas that have puzzled me that I must knock around in the air around my head as with a fly swatter.
I never got to the heart of my thoughts on Christians and self denial. Then JD died, and I couldn't help but to start to think about Caulfield. My whole reading the top 100 novels began when I was saying to son number 4 that I couldn't figure out son number 3. Son number 3's band was named "Caulfied" (for a while). So son number 4 said that the best way to understand son number 3 was to read The Catcher in the Rye. I did and it started this very interesting journey in literature.
But as I thought about Holden and JD this week, I thought a lot of how some of us are Caulfied Christians, just not fitting in very well because we can't play the game. Caulfied didn't get it right. I mean, what purpose lies in walking the streets at night, our hands in our pockets calling everyone an SOB. But there is something in the brotherhood of those who want to live more honestly, and how the majority prefer to play the game. I was thinking about how many people find me irritating. I'm very soft-spoken, but when I speak, I do speak very honestly. That pisses a lot of people off.
Well, so much for that. I'm on a borrowed computer and must move on.
I was thinking once again about the concept of "motives" when I was abruptly called from Haiti and was asked to come asap. I wrestled with that one for days. It is too complicated to explain here why I will probably not go, but as I evaluated my motives, I knew that most of them were in the realm of being a hero, or looking like a hero to my friends and family. Of course I do have sleepless nights thinking about the suffering of the Haitians. I'm not going just because many of my motives were poor. Many things I do are from poor motives. Great good can come from people doing the right thing but with the wrong motives. And once again, I claim that we Christians often say that we are doing things out of "pure motives" but except for Christ, no one has had a pure motive about anything. I have great admiration for Mother Theresa but I remember her writings that were found after her death had her questioning her motives, and even God's presence. That is the human condition.
Let me see, there were about 10 other things I wanted to write about. I will have to try and remember them until I can get back on line in about 10 days.
Sorry about the typos but I don't have time to go back and check them.