Monday, July 6, 2009
The Looking Glass
I know, it's strange, but I did this long posting last night . . . .then I deleted it. I guess I feel I cross the line sometimes in sharing personal feelings. So I woke up this morning, seeing that some comments were coming in and decided to delete the whole thing. Rats. I worked hard on that one as well.
I will put Alice back up and pick back up on that one segment of the old posting. The point is that when some of us go through a personal crisis, we emerge on the other side, trapped (not in a bad way) behind the looking glass. From that point forward, the entire world looks differently. What use to be normal conversations around us . . . now seem like the bizarre talk around the Mad Hatter's table.
I'm not sure why some of us are changed in this manner and many people are not. I know people (more than one) who have lost a child in a horrible accident. Sure they are sad and grieve like anyone, but their perspective on life doesn't change. They still believe in the Christian bookstore philosophy of life . . . soft music, rosewood incense, perpetual smiles, always speaking from one cliche to the next.
I'm not talking about the alternative being bitter or depressed, but just feeling like life on this earth is a strange place. I see the glory as well . . . but everything looks different now.
My wife and daughter must be in Kenya by now. I hope to hear from them soon as I can't communicate with them. It is strange to think if our house burned down or one of our kids was in an accident, there is no way I could communicate with Denise right now. It is like she is on the back side of the moon.
I went for a long bike ride tonight that become somewhat eventful. I just had my bike tuned up and this was my first ride in over two weeks. As I was climbing my first big hill, five miles from home, the entire back wheel locked up. The hub was deeply entangled with the gear shifter thing (can't remember it's name). I sat by the road for a while with grease up to my elbows. No one was home to call. Finally I got a hold of Ramsey (he was hanging out with friends in town) and he agreed to swing by to pick up the bike since the wheel wouldn't even turn.
It was a strange feeling sitting there on the shoulder of road obviously stuck, and car after car whizzed by and just looked. One guy slowed down and asked if I needed help. That was nice . . . but Ramsey was on his way. After loading up my bike in Ramsey's car, I started, and finished, the five mile walk back home.
I think the exercise did me some good. I started the walk feeling angry because the bike had been fine for the past 500 miles of riding, then I take it in for a tune up and the first time I ride it, it is a mess. But, by the time I got to my lonely home, the adrenalin had been burned off and I felt a lot of exhausted peace.
I'm starting a Bible study at church on Thursday. We (if anyone shows up) will be studying Hebrews. I have not been in the word a lot lately. I have a little fear about it. At the same time I am eager to read scripture again. I think my fear is that I will find something in scripture that doesn't fit in my new paradigm of life. Then I wouldn't know what to do. I honestly think that when I return to scripture, especially to Jesus' words, it will seem more clear.
My example of scary scripture is that, in prep for the study Thursday, I read all of Hebrews while sitting in the hot tub last night. I looked like a prune by the time I was done. The only such scripture (the kind that scares me) was a few statements about "obeying your leaders." That gave me a few chills up my spine. But I think the image that such verse conjure up are of the spiritually abusive leaders I've known in my past. I have to think about that one for a while. "Obey your leaders." I need to read the original languages to see what that really means and in the proper context.
Posted by MJ at 8:56 PM