The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part VII - For the Sake of Pete

It is almost certain that the greatest power over the formative years for Pete was his exceptional physique. More than just a naturally-athletic body, he had the looks that drew the opposite sex to him like the sun to wayward, frozen comets in deep space. He first realized this when he was only ten. If it wasn’t enough to see how he always became the center of attention when he entered a room, he also had the unique opportunity to observe the same—in third person—when his, monozygotic brother, Paul, walked into a room. They shared their paternal grandmother’s cobalt blue eyes and their own mother’s dark, Turkish, complexion. As if that was not enough, the gods also bestowed on them both the ability to excel at sports without trying. In even more of act of unfairness, they each had an IQ of at least 140.

The way thatpeople responded to Pete, shaped his self-perception almost fatalistically. He was made a leader at every turn, captain of his high school basketball team, president of his senior class. He felt deeply within the dark labyrinths of the soul that he was exceptional and destine for something great.

Paul, his brother, took that same feeling in the direction of politics. Their mother use to refer to Paul as her “future presidential son.” Paul felt that maybe that was his fate. He was naturally drawn to the Republican Party, whose philosophical center is in sociological free-will Vs. the Democrats, who are equally invested in social fatalism. When you are highly gifted, it is most comforting to think you had orchestrated your own good will. Both of course are wrong because of their exclusive views. Pete may have taken that same path if destiny hadn’t twisted his path a bit.

To intentionally create a few degrees of light between their personas, Pete and Paul decided their junior years of high school to take separate athletic paths. Paul was going to focus on baseball and football, Pete basketball and track. They each wanted to stake out their own identities.

As captain (and star I may add) of the basketball team Pete was also voted to be president of their chapter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. To him, as well as most of the kids, it was a formality. The parents liked it on their kids “resume.” However, Church stuff wasn’t completely foreign to Pete as he was raised in the First Methodist church of Bakersville. But Pete had a genuine awakening when he went to a summer FCA retreat. What drew him, besides being the president of the local FCA, was that the keynote speaker was Jerry Lucas, retired NBA star. But Pete was honestly moved and gave his life to Christ during a very emotion meeting the last night.

In my main story, Pete is a phony, but he is the garden-variety phony, like the rest of us. He is not the complete phony . . . in the likes of most of the TV evangelists on TBN or like many politicians. The complete phony has no structural relationship between the realities of whom they are on the ground floor and who they project to the public. To the politicians, that projection is simply a mirror reflecting back to the people what they want to see and has nothing to do with what the politician really believes or thinks. Most of us phonies do have a relationship between who we are and who we project, although we do not hesitate to bury the bad parts and distort our motives.

But deep within those primal caverns of the soul, where ghosts of motives engage in a strange tango in the blackness , stepping between the stalactites and bottomless pits, embracing and unraveling, Pete had both honest desires to serve God and honest desires to fulfill his addiction to the self. The opium of that addition was the praise in the eyes of women and the envy of and domination over men. But like any of us who claim to be Christians, to endure the reality of having motives antithesis to God living within the bowels of our souls, we must mentally merge them with the saintly dancers. We pretend the two become one, dissolving the daylight (but there is no “daylight” in total darkness) that separates them in the opposite direction of how Pete and Paul wanted a separation. Pete’s “necessity” to have dominance and control of Angie forcing her adoration, and his “need” to be the envy of other pastors was wed to his true desire to be a good pastor and serving God. But the true sin is not in how we’ve been passively shaped by our experiences, but our choice to avoid having the insight into ourselves and our motives and our active participation in advancing and maintaining the charade.

In Pete’s earliest ministry, he was a youth pastor at a large Bible church in Anaheim. He quickly caught not only the attention of his senior pastor but churches throughout California and the Pacific coast. He was an excellent speaker, reminding the older generation of the confidence and articulation of a Josh McDowell. And like with Josh, teen age chastity became one of his hottest topics.

This is the area that had the greatest chiasm of disconnect for Pete. He lost his own virginity when he was barely fifteen. Of course that was three years before he confessed to being a Christian. But he was sexually actively with both high school girlfriends, both college girlfriends and two one-night-stands.

After his conversion he never asked himself the question if having sex with his girlfriend was right or wrong. The question was not even in his lexicon or within the perimeter of his radar. Even in seminary he remained sexually active and the morality of the choice was never discussed between him and his fellow seminarian girlfriend Kathryn. Pete saw no resemblance between the teaching of chastity in his dating and marriage class, where he staunchly defended the Biblical teaching of remaining virgins until marriage, and spending the night with his own girlfriend in her off-campus apartment. There was a total disconnect that could only be explained in psychological and not intellectual terms.

In his talks to young men he would say, “Remember I was a teenager just a few years ago. I remember how hard it was to be caste. I even dated Miss California and the first runner up to Miss America.” It was true that his high school girlfriend, Karla, did go on to become Miss California and the First Runner-Up in Miss America, but they were never caste. In the back of his mind, as his reputation broadened, Pete did have a fear that Karla would step out of the past to set the record straight.

Oddly, Angie was the only girl he was ever caste with. He allowed her to believe that she was the first. She was terrified deep inside that she wasn’t nor his favorite . . . and she had legitimate grounds for he fears.

Deep within Pete’s psyche, in beliefs that were so convoluted that they could not be expressed in language, nor can I explain clearly here, Pete had the sense that being sexually active with his girlfriends was also his destiny. After all, it was God who made him irresistible. He felt clean after his sexual liaisons because he had the strange sense that he had “ministered” to the girls. He never asked for forgiveness. Therefore, he did not hesitate to give a fiery lecture on “Remaining Pure in an Impure Age” in chapel after spending the night with Kate. He even practiced his delivery in the shower with her there listening and giving feedback. He saw no contradiction. Secretly he felt that chastity was really meant for the average boy and girl . . . the boy with the pimples or big nose and the girl with no gifts.

But if Angie had an un-named apparition to fear, it was Paula, a one-night-stand. Pete became infatuated by Paula, a nurse in ICU, at Cedars Sinai where he was doing his chaplain internship at the end of seminary (Played here by Amy Adams). She was a beautiful redhead who had an extroverted and fun personality that Pete could not resist. But part of her enchantment (pun intended) over Pete was the fact she was forbidden to him. Besides being an outspoken non- Christian, something that would certainly derail Pete’s ambitions of being a successful pastor, he has already bought Angie’s ring. He was just waiting on the opportunity to fly out to DC to propose to her.

But Pete could not wait to get to the hospital in the morning and quickly make his rounds in ICU. He would always try to time his visit after the docs had made their rounds, things had settled down, and Paula was in her joking and talkative mood.

Pete surprised himself when he asked her out on a date. It was like him hearing his brother Paul speaking, but the words were coming from his mouth. But why not, he later reasoned. He had never mentioned Angie to her. It couldn't do any harm. He was still sure that he would marry Angie, but, if he didn't go on this one date with Paula, he felt that he would always regret it. She accepted.

He tried to make it very special with a concert at the Hollywood Bowl, a stroll on the Santa Monica beach, capped off with a picnic and a kiss. But the kiss was only the start and Pete awakened the next morning in Paula’s bed . . . and in her heart. He felt no remorse but was shaken to the core with his immense infatuation. He had always been the giver of infatuation, now he, for the first time, was the receiver. He even started to entertain thoughts of how this unholy union could work out. However, a medical resident, James, saw that it ended and ended quickly.

James too was obsessed with Paula. He had been dreaming of her for months and was starting to make his move when Pete showed up. Unfortunate for Pete’s sake (pun intended again), he had confined in James about his relationship with Angie. He did it as part of a boast. He described being “engaged” to a girl who was the daughter of the commander of Andrews Air Force base, and friend to the presidents.

When word got through the hospital that Paula had spent the night with the handsome preacher, James was furious. He did not hesitate to get alone with Paula. “ Didn't Pete tell you he was engaged? He certainly is!”

Paula’s dream of a long romance became a one-night-stand by her choice. She didn't want to talk to Pete again, and her colleagues created a boundary that Pete couldn't cross. But Paula never left Pete’s mind.

It was years later, soon after Pete and Angie arrived in Kansas City that Pete “discovered” Paula on Facebook. He did search for her by name, out of curiosity. But once they met, he created his own secret cyber world where the two of them could “talk.”

Pete did have enough connect with his self that he kept the conversation “spiritual.” Paula had married a doctor at the Cedars, but not James. It had only lasted five years. Pete was an ear to her. Pete also found someone with whom he felt like he could communicate with, after all, he found Angie to be emotionally frigid. Paula didn't hesitate calling Tom Ledbetter an asshole. Pete told Paula things that he never told Angie. But he would also share prayers and Bible verses that had moved him that day. But like with the sexual relations in college, where he could do it without remorse, he was able to keep Paula in his secret pocket. He felt like God knew . . . and approved. He never attempted to meet her, although she tried. It would have been easy when Pete went back to California to visit his family alone.

But Pete was like a master bass fisherman. As part of his opium of wanted to be admired by women, he knew how to play them. In his sharp intellect, he could tell when a woman was awestruck by him, and many were. Then he would play them. Make firm eye contact. Give them compliments. Make them feel that they shared something unique with him. Select ones, which he could play more. Give them positions in the church such as pianist, Sunday school director or newsletter writer. They all adored him. But, like a master fisherman, he also knew how to keep them away from his boat. He knew where to draw the line to avoid total professional ruin. Paula was the one he played the closes. He covered his tracks well, and kept the distance so that if anyone did discover his private world, he would have clear room to defend himself.

Footnote: Please forgive the typos. I thought this out and typed it (as I thought) in one sitting at the coffee shop and there may be many typos.

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part VI Scene Four

Tom pulls up in his driveway and walks through the front door of his two-story farmhouse. At least it was a house which had started on a farm in the 1890s but had been engulfed in suburbia long since.

Sandy was curled up on the sofa under a blanket (never mind it was a sultry night in the plains), eating popcorn and watching a Hallmark movie. She had her black framed glasses on, indicating she had taking her contacts out and was prepped for bed . . . as soon as the movie was over. She looks up at Tom, “Hi. So how was your meeting?”

Tom grabs a glass of apple juice from the kitchen and sits down beside her. “Okay . . . I guess.”

Sandy watches the movie in silence until the next commercial breaks in. “Why do you say you guess. Wasn't it a good meeting? Pete was certainly pumped up about it today.”

[Side bar: Sandy volunteers in the church office once or twice a week. She is in charge of putting together a weekly newsletter and other tasks.]

“No. I mean, I think pastor Pete was pumped up. You can see his excitement. He is always enthusiastic about everything he does. But I feel a little crummy about a conversation we had after the meeting.”

Sandy reaches for the remote and turns down the volume. Then she makes direct eye contact with Tom for the first time. “So, what did you do?” Her tone reflected some disappointment.

“I didn't do anything. You know that the people in our cell had asked me to lead a group on raising teens in the fall. Pete had other ideas. He wants us to dissect his sermons each Thursday night. So all I did was mention that I had been working on the teen parent curriculum. I was thinking that there was some way we could integrate the two. But he took it very personal.”

“I can understand why he took it personal. He had been planning this fall kickoff for several weeks. It must be hard for him to have one of his elders trying to circumnavigate his plans, especially so soon.”

“Why do you always take his side?”

Sandy drops her feet from the couch to the floor, like she is positioning herself for fighting mode. “I’m not taking anyone’s side. I just care deeply about this church and I want us to be in the center of God’s will. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Sandy, why do you assume that I’m the one leading the church astray and the pastor is the one leading us into God’s perfect will?”

“Well, for one, that’s what the Bible says.”

Tom shakes his head and really looks depressed. Looking into his, now empty, glass he adds, “Where does the Bible teach that everything the pastor says is right and anything anyone else says is wrong? I mean our own church charter says that the elders should hold the pastor accountable. But no one seems to follow that.”

“Tom, the scripture is clear about the chain of authority. I know that my mom and dad honored their pastor completely and would never go behind his back.”

Tom rarely raises his voice, but he did then. “Sandy, I am not going behind his back! I had one simple suggestion that we listen to the needs of the people in our cell and try to accommodate them. I wasn't trying to put a damper on his vision or his plan. But then he says something that really pissed me off. He told me to get behind him, Satan. Was he calling me Satan?”

Sandy with a soft chuckle, “That’s just Pete. He says that a lot. I've seen him say it to the copier when it wasn't working. He just sees hindrances to any ministry as the work of Satan and it bugs him because he is so passionate about serving the Lord. I just wish you weren't always trying to be a trouble maker for him and trying to get me to conspire with you. It is sort of embarrassing. Furthermore, at least pastor Pete doesn't use vulgar words like pissed!”

“Sandy, I’m not a trouble maker. I was just telling you about what happened tonight in the same way that you will tell me about your day. I was not trying to get you to conspire against your blessed pastor. I will just drop it! I will follow his plan for the small group and forget about the hours I spent on trying to create a lesson plan.”

“So it is about you.”

“I’m done here. “ Tom got up and walked towards the bedroom.

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part V Scene Three

Pete pulls into the driveway of his prairie-style house in his back Jetta. He grabs his bag and walks up to the side, kitchen door. He turns the deadbolt and walks in with a loud squeak of the door. The kitchen light is own as is a distant light reflecting through the darkened living room. “It just me hon,” Pete shouts in the direction of the light, which he is sure coming from the master bedroom.

Angie, his wife, says quietly, “Oh hi. There’s new cookies in the jar.”

Pete drops his bag on the table and pulls the “head” off a large, ceramic cow jar. Inside are a batch of soft raisin oatmeal cookies, his favorite. Angie makes him a fresh batch on Tuesdays and Fridays. He grabs two and pours himself a cup of milk.

The bedroom door is half way closed and he pushes it open with his elbow, the cookies in one hand and the cup in the other. Angie is lying in bed looking like a sleeping beauty, but she is awake, propped up and a book in her hands. The white bedspread is tucked carefully around her, precisely outlining her body. Her long, straight blond hair, having endured her nightly 100 brushings, lays equally divided along each side of her shoulders. She is deeply absorbed in her romance novel.

Pete slips off his shoes and lays on his back beside his wife but above the covers. He sits his cup down on the night stand and grabs the remote. He flips on CNN on the small TV sitting on the dresser.

“Turn it down,” came Angie’s quite request . . . without taking her eyes off her book. Pete quickly complies.

Apparently getting to the end of her chapter, she sticks her finger in the pages and slips off her reading glasses. “Well, how did it go? Were you able to spread your vision?”

Pete dipping a cookie into his milk and looking back up at Piers Morgan and Tom Cruise replies, “Yeah I think so.”

“Well you don’t seem so enthusiastic.”

“I don’t know. I think it went well. I was just a little disappointed in a conversation I just had with Tom, uh Tom Ledbetter.”

“What happened?”

Pete swallows his bite of cookie and washes it down with a drink of milk. “I’m just disappointed that I had just spoken to the group about the need for cohesiveness and I’m walking to the car and Tom comes up and wants to challenge me. That is so frustrating. Not even ten minutes pass and already there's discord.”

“Why is he even an elder anyway? He just doesn't strike me as the leader type nor one of the key men you need.”

He swallowed his last cookie and cleared his throat. He dusted the crumbs off the bedspread provoking a quick frown from Angie. “I think he had a lot of support from his neighbors, you know, those in his cell. I guess he has a following among them. I have the feeling that he is so well liked by them because he’s soft. But, I can’t drop him from the elders’ board without creating a scandal. I just have to run interference to keep his negativity from destroying the dream I’m trying to create.”

Sidebar: Pete and Angie have been married for 14 years. They don’t have any children, although they tried. Angie had two miscarriages and after almost bleeding to death with her second one, they decided never to try and get pregnant again.

They met at Pete’s twin brother, Paul’s, wedding in DC. Paul was serving as an assistant with Congressman Kevin McCarthy’s office when he met his fiancée, Beth, a student at Georgetown. Angie was Beth’s roommate and bridesmaid. Pete, of course, was his brother’s best man.

Pete was a bit awestruck when he saw Angie for the first time. She reminded him of a grown up Marcia Brady, with her light blue eyes and long, straight blond hair. They went out the night after the wedding, just before Pete flew back to California and continued his studies at Fuller Seminary. They continued their realtionship in a cross county correspondence until they themselves were married a year and half later. Pete really didn't know Angie that well, even on their wedding day.

Angie was the daughter of a full Air Force Colonel. He had been the base commander for Andrews Air Force Base for several years. He started his career as an ace fighter pilot in Vietnam. He ran a rigid household. It was so unyielding that his wife turned to the bottle just to cope. When Angie was only ten, she found herself being forced into the role of house manager . . . keeping everything precise and her mother's alcoholism in the closet. Her father wasn't a habitual wife abuser, but Angie, when she was only six, watched him strike her mother and it terrified her. She never, ever wanted to disappoint her father . . . and fulfilling his perfectionism was a difficult task for anyone, especially for a 10 year old. They actually hosted Vice President Dan Quayle in their house for a week end . . . soon afterwards Angie was hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer.

Angie also suffers from an un-diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. OCD can be from a factor of nature or nurture, however, in her case it was clearly nurture.

Once they were married, Pete discovered that Angie was a much quieter woman than he had imagined. When he met her at the wedding, she was one of the key Campus Crusade campus leaders at Georgetown and he imagined her to be a real partner in ministry.

However, her OCD and general anxieties became a convenient tool for Pete. It was the cold steel ring in the snout of a bull. It only took a faint tug to direct her in the direction he wanted her to go.

For example, a year earlier Pete was hosting a four day Pastor’s conference at the church. On Saturday morning, as a bonding exercise, one of the members of the church was going to take the men up in a hot air balloon in a sunrise flight. However, once they assembled at the old airfield thirty miles from Kansas City, the pilot quickly realized that the group weighted too much for one trip. He broke it up into two groups one the first group going up and the second one following in the chase truck. Then they landed in a farmer’s field, switch crews and went up again.

They were planning on stopping at a restaurant for lunch but decided to drive straight back to the church since it was already 1 PM. Pete stopped by the grocery store, picked up some hamburger meat and buns and decided to do a quick impromptu barbecue on his back patio.

Angie, however, had no clue that they were coming. It wasn't that the house was a mess. No. As a matter of fact, when the men showed up, she was under her bed, using a steak knife digging waxy dirt from between the boards of their oak floors. She swept under the bed daily. However, she could barely sleep in the bed because she kept waking up thinking of the dirt stuck between the boards just beneath her.

Pete kept the men outside as he fired up the grill. When the burgers were done, he ran into the house to collect the condiments, pickles, mayonnaise, mustard and slices of cheese. Pastor Grant from Springfield asked for ketchup. Pete searched the fridge from top to bottom and couldn't find any. He went into the bedroom and asked Angie, “Hon, where’s the ketchup?”

She crawled from beneath the bed donning her yellow rubber gloves and looked up him above her magnifying reading glasses, “Oh . . . I think we are out.”

“Out? How could we be out of ketchup?”

“I’m really sorry. I’ll run to the store and get some right now if you want.”

“No, just forget it. We don’t have time for that. I’ll just look like a bad host for these very important men.” Then he marched out of the room. But that wasn't the end of it.

That night Pete came home at 10 PM, after his last meeting with the pastors. He looked into the fridge and there were two large bottles of ketchup. He came into the bedroom and seemed irritable. Angie was absorbed in her book. Actually she was watching and listening to Pete’s every move and emotion and had only picked up the book when she heard him walking towards the bedroom.

“It’s too late to get the ketchup. The men are leaving in the morning and you know neither you nor I like it.”

“Pete, I had no clue those men were coming here for lunch. You could have called and I would have had everything they wanted on the table for you.”

“You know, whether you like it or not, you are married to me, a pastor. It is your calling, by this very fact, that you gift is to be hospitality. I was really embarrassed in front of those men today.”

“But Pete, how could I have known that you needed ketchup?”

“I had a wonderful professor at seminary. He told the story how his wife had the gift of hospitality. She didn't have it naturally, but she worked at it. She would study the habits of any guest or even potential guest, and have exactly what they would need in the house. She even ordered a special Earl Gray Tea from on online tea shop because she heard that it was one of the guest’s favorite breakfast tea.”

Angie with tears forming around her light blue eyes, making them look like glazed porcelain, finally spoke, “Pete, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I will try harder. I know that I’m not the wife you deserve or need, but I can do better.”

Pete gave her a little hug, “Thanks. I know that you can do better. But we are on the verge of a very important work of God here, and I just want so much to do His will. It was really important that I showed these men of God that we have our act together.”

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part IV Scene Two

Tuesday night, August 2nd was the night for the monthly elders meeting, which also invited the three ministry area leaders (Sunday school, worship team, small groups). The group gathered in the Pastor's office as scheduled at 6:30 PM. Pastor Pete was the only one not there, which was typical. Small talk ensued. It was an eclectic cross section, a high school teacher, a banker, a farmer, a cop, and of course Tom the insurance guy talking about their families . . . and the one they they had in common, their church.

At a quarter till seven Pete comes strolling in with a should bag full of papers. "Good evening everybody," he proclaims with his bright boyish smile.

Pete: "Looks like it is time we get started and Frank here has a devotional that he has prepared."

Frank, who is in his seventies and a faithful supporter of CBC since its conception in the late seventies, smiled. He had his big Message Bible and opened it to a bookmark.

"Yes, the passage the pastor asked me to read tonight is from Isaiah chapter fifty four,

Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family. You're going to take over whole nations; you're going to resettle abandoned cities. Don't be afraid--you're not going to be embarrassed. Don't hold back--you're not going to come up short.

Then he slowly closed his Bible and laid it on his lap with a humble smile.

Pete took a deep breath with his smile enduring . . . "Wow! Doesn't that just blow your minds? God gave me that passage about two weeks ago. I was sitting here in my office and just praying, God give me some word, some thought or theme for this coming year. I opened my Bible and it fell right to Isaiah fifty four. I had read that verse a hundred times but this time it blew me away. I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking directly to me. We are about to embark on something really big here at Community Bible Church. I think that we could play a key role in God bring revival to not only our East Overland neighborhood, but to Kansas City metro area. This is the heart of America. When revival starts here, it can't be stopped and I honestly believe that is what is on God's heart. Start here and take it to the world. The First Great Awakening started in New England, the second one in the South and they both burned out. But here in the heartland it will spread in all directions."

The group was all smiles. Linda, the director of Sunday school gave a positive sigh . . . "God is great isn't He?"

Pete, shaking his head in an affirmative, pulls some papers and felt-tipped markers out of his bag and walks up to the white board. He writes at the top the word "LEADERSHIP" and beneath that the words "COHESIVENESS," "CONFIDENCE" and "CONSISTENCY."

Pete: "These are the words that God has laid on my heart to help guide us through this exciting time. For one, as you pastor and leader I want to ask for your forgiveness for not being the leader God intended for me to be. This summer I did my usual reading of the Bible from cover to cover and with this reading it really struck me how God raised up one man to lead his people. God has put me here in this church as His man to speak truth to His people. I realize that I have not taking God seriously enough. I have not honored this position of leadership, thus I've failed you. So for one, I want to get my act together. I want to lead with courage and strength and with a clear vision."

The group was shaking their heads in agreement. Linda had a big, you might say, girlish smile.

"So that's how God has convicted me." Then he points to the second word, "COHESIVENESS," and adds, "The second area of conviction applies to all of us. I really think that the way Satan uses America's weakness is to exploit our independent spirit. The humanist have taken the bold independence of our forefathers to this place where everyone does their own thing. If this little church is going to do great things for the Lord, we must be united as one body and on the same page. There is no place for an independent spirit here. Don't you agree?"

Everyone was smiling and nodding to the affirmative, although Tom's smile was as not as large and his head seem more still. While he wasn't the most confident man in the church, he also wasn't the dumbest. He had some hesitation about giving his stamp of approval.

Pete continued: "I will simply add that part of this leadership and cohesiveness factors are, as Isaiah says, not being embarrassed about anything but confident. I know that I will be confident in the Lord and I will not back down. This brings me to the last word which God has given me for this year, consistency. As part of our independent natures, we spread out and do our own ministries. It is like taking a campfire and pulling the logs far apart . . . soon it goes out. But if you stack the embers, it will continue to blaze. So, I really want us all on the same page in ministry and I, as the leader and pastor whom God has put over you, will do my best to obey God and to lead you.

So, since God's major voice to his people in this age of the church, is the sermon, I want our ministries to focus on the Sunday morning sermon. As God gives me His word each week, I want each ministry to follow that word."

Pete looks around at the group as he notices some looks of confusion. So Tom finally speaks, "So exactly what does that mean in reality?"

Pete smile and his straight, white teeth glisten like ivory. "I was hoping someone would ask that. So, I want to preach a series of sermons, a new series each quarter. I have outlines of the first series, which God has given me. It will be on the Beatitudes. So, as I cover each one in the morning services, the Sunday school teachers will take that sermon to the next level . . . personal applications. Then our mid-week small groups will do sermon analyses. I have a book from my preaching class at seminary which teaches you how to take a sermon, like an orange, and to squeeze each golden drop out of it for your edification and the edification for those in your small group. This is going to be the most exciting thing this church has ever seen! For once, we will all be on the same page and gates of hell can not prevail against the church, which has the mind of God."

The discussion continues for another hour with each of the elders and ministry leaders slowly getting on board with the pastor's plan. Linda had a large bag full of materials, which she never disclosed. Leonard, the director of small groups had a couple of books on his lap, he never opened or even mentioned them. Pete controlled the theme of the evening.

At 9:30, as they were walking towards their cars, Tom spoke privately to Pete, "Hey pastor, I had a group of parents in my cell come to me and ask me to strongly consider focusing on raising teens. I've done several weeks of work on that topic and I was starting to get excited about that."

Pete with an obvious look of disappointment on his face as they stood beneath the parking lot street light, "So Tom, what are you saying?"

Tom: "I'm think there is a real and acute need to address the problems of raising teens. There is a lot at stake here. You know some of the problems the teens have faced in this church this year."

Pete: "Little people have little thoughts."

Tom was confused. "What do you mean?"

Pete, frowning and shaking his head: "I guess that I'm a little disappointed that you don't seem to get the big picture. Don't you see what God is about to do here? Don't you feel His spirit starting to move? When parents turn their eyes on the Lord in a deep way, then these problems with our teens will vanish."

Tom: "I don't mean to sound disrespectful I just see a real need and I was hoping that there would be some flexibility in your plans or at least we could merge the ideas, you know, like discuss the beatitudes as a launching point into parenting teens."

Pete: "Get behind me Satan."

Tom, feeling embarrassed and angry: "What do you mean by that? Pastor, I'm on your side and I support you, but I just wanted to discuss something that is on MY heart."

Pete, hitting the button on his key chain and seeing his headlights flicker and the doors pop unlocked: "Tom, I'm just disappointed. I just had a long talk about the need for cohesiveness and it isn't even an hour until one of my key men start to go in another direction. I'm just disappointed."

Tom, feeling frustrated: "Just forget it Pete. Nothing I'm saying is coming out right . . . and have a good night."

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part III Scene One

Okay, I must give a caveat before we move on. As this story develops, I don't want to create good guys and bad guys. My point is, like in real life (Steinbeck expresses it well in East of Eden) we all have our baggage, some more than others.

Scene I. The setting is in the church's break area, off the side of the main vestibule, which has been named "Son Bucks." The purpose of the large alcove is a place for people to gather and fellowship between services. They even have one of their teenagers working as a Barista. Tom is over in the corner sipping coffee and talking to his 13 year old son Calvin, who is asking once again if they could go home early. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a group of people coming in his direction. Soon Tom recognizes a common denominator of the group and is the fact that they all live in his "cell." The church had divided up the suburb into 5 square mile cells and had set up a small discipleship study in each cell. Tom and Sandy had led their cell group's study several times.

Brenda Pullman spoke for the group. "Tom we have a request for you."

Tom sips his coffee and raises his eyebrows to show interest while he blows softy across the lip of his Styrofoam cup. "Yes."

"Well we've been talking. The fall Bible study will be starting in a few weeks and a topic that all of us are interested in is about parenting teens. Virtually every family in our cell has either a teen or will soon have a teen in their household. It is tough. We admire the way that you and Sandy are raising your boys and we think you would make a great leader."

Tom, "Well that's an interesting idea. Certainly I'm no expert" looking over and smiling at Calvin, "But I can facilitate a discussion."

George Way (standing with Brenda), "So you'll do it?"

Tom, "I'll at least pray about it, do some research and bring it up at our next ministry meeting."

Brenda, "Tom, I hope you understand how important this is. Each family in this group is struggling. You know as well as we do that within this small group we've had one teen pregnancy, a drug arrest, a serious car crash and several kids who have dropped out of school and/or church."

Tom with a sad frown, "Yeah I know. We do need some help."

Over the subsequent weeks Tom did some research trying to create a curriculum. His wife gave him a couple of books such as "Raising Children Who Love God" and "Discipleship Starts at Home."

Tom read those books, but also read a couple of, what Sandy called "secular," books written by psychologists. He was starting to get pretty excited about the idea. Being a father of two teen boys, he really had a heart for such discussions.

The following Tuesday night was the monthly elders meeting which was expanded to include all the ministry teams. It was their tradition to take this August Elder's meeting as a time of getting direction for their big Fall ministry strategy.

Side Bar: Pastor Pete has a style of leadership that was confident and full of life. One of his downfalls was they he seemed to have great enthusiasm but a touch of ADD. He would launch a great ministry endeavor, convincing the entire church that this is exactly what God wanted them to do, but in three months he would be going in an entirely new direction.

Pete was also a micromanager and had a habit of making confident decisions to suddenly replace a program director without any discussion or warning. During his, now two year, reign there had been several families who quietly left out the back door after Pete had run over them like a steamroller. However, he didn't feel bad about that. Actually, he didn't really feel bad about anything he did because he was always so confident that he was doing the right thing. He had twice as many new families coming in the front door (switching from other churches), being drawn by his charismatic persona and strong convictions about having a "Biblical church."

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse Part II - Meet Tom Ledbetter

Tom (sorry Bob Newhart) Ledbetter is a 48 year old man who has been active with CBC since moving to the Kansas City area fifteen years ago. He taught Sunday school many times both for the kids and adult programs. He became an elder and served in that role twice. He was just re-elected elder, the first time since Pete came to the church 15 months earlier.

Tom is married to Sandy and they have two teen-aged sons, Robert and and Calvin. Tom is a quiet man, some see as humble and some (like Pete and maybe Sandy) read as timid or lacking leadership qualities.

When you peel back the layers, Tom does struggle a lot with feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. Part of those feelings may have been created when his dad walked out on the family when he was ten. Deep inside he always felt that it was somehow if was his fault. His dad liked baseball and had been a Pee Wee coach and Tom never could play that well. But in almost unspoken words, deep down he has this unfortunate notion that if he had only played baseball better, his dad would have stayed. But he is a sincere man, without many aspirations to get a lot of attention.

Sandy Ledbetter (played by Patricia Heaton), grew up in the perfect family. Her father was a conservative Baptist minister and she had seven "perfect" siblings. She was very devoted to church work from an early age and attended a very conservative Bible college in the Southeast. She met Tom when the two of them worked together at an insurance company in Saint Louis. They lived there for six years before moving to their present place. Sandy has always pushed Tom to take highly visible roles in the church and frequently voices her disappointment in him. Her level of godliness intimidates Tom further. Also, in her secret places she is awestruck on Pete and at times feels like he is the kind of man she wishes she had married. She would never even talk about this with anyone outside her own head, or even "verbalize" to herself that she has some romantic feelings towards Pete . . . but as a good Christian woman, she is devoted to Tom.

Jeremy Steffens (played by a young John Mayer) is a 26 year old recent Bible college graduate and at his first church as a youth/assistant pastor. He has been married to Ann for two years and they are expecting their first baby. Jeremy loves working with youth, going to concerts, ski trips and doing game night. He is delighted to have a decent paying pastoral job after looking for over a year while he worked odd jobs. He is the son of TEAM missionaries who had

just retired from Kenya. His family has always expected him to go into the ministry. He feels like it was his destiny, although to him, having grown up around missionaries, can hardly take it seriously. He learned at a young age what to say to really impress people. Yet, it did not bother him to take the bus into Nairobi with his fellow Christian boarding school friends and get plastered.

He met Ann at a bar, which no one really knows. She had some Catholic background and honestly, deep in her heart, is somewhat agnostic . . . favoring new age spiritualism . . . but would never talk about it out loud. While Jeremy feels very comfortable in Evangelical circles, it has never come to her easily. She does try very hard to be the good pastors wife, however, before she was pregnant, and with Jeremy's blessing, she use to go clubing in Chicago with her friends knowing that no one in their church would ever find out. That is Jeremy's main condition for her, that she not get caught drinking or dancing . . . if so, he could loose his job.

Jeremy, feels a little intimidated by Pete and jealous at the same time. Yet, he knows that he has to be Pete's yes man or he could loose his job and his health insurance.

But all on the surface, CBC is a wonderful Evangelical church filled with Godly people whose only motives are to do God's perfect will.

The Subtle Art of Spiritual Abuse

Okay, what does Rob Lowe have to do with spiritual abuse? Nothing that I know of. But I'm going to borrow the man's persona and confident looks to fill out the flesh of a fictional character, Pete Sorensen . . . that's pastor Pete Sorensen. But before I continue this saga, as usual, I will share why I am going there.

I had just a few moments this past week to visit Imonk. I stumbled onto the discussion about girls being the victims of Christian patriarchal mindsets. The thing that grabbed my attention was the sidebar discussion of what constitutes "abuse." Like art, I think it is in the eyes of the beholder. But I do think that think that spiritual abuse is not the exception but part of the fabric of Christian society.

Of course Evangelicals do not have the corner on abuse. It is my thesis that we all are desperately insecure (an that's why the grace of the gospel should be so appealing) and in that desperation, we each have the capacity to manipulate and even abuse those around us. If Evangelicals have a disadvantage it is because they believe and are taught that through spiritual growth, they leave behind all that nasty self-centeredness and move on to a world where all their motives are "Jesus centered." So, Evangelicals often become more vulnerable than those on the secular side due to their naivety.

So, I thought I would make up purely fictional story to illustrate how this plays out in the typical church. It will take a few posts to finish this. So tonight I briefly introduce you to Pete. He is a 42 year old pastor of the Community Bible Church (CBC) in a suburb of Kansas City. He was a basketball star in high school and even played on his Bible college's team. He was always very confident, articulate and aggressive, some would say a true "Type A." He also had a bright smile that won people over in a second. He was a good catch for the CBC, which was poised to experience a period of rapid growth from its present congregation of 500, with their eyes set on possibly becoming the next mega church. In his previous church he had tripled their Sunday morning worship in a matter of eight years.

More to come.