Too Baffeling for Words

I'm at one of those points where I feel an ocean of words that want to come out . . . but my time to type is limited to a thimble's measure.

I just came from a memorial service for the young girl I mentioned a few weeks ago.  Too many feelings to express. I see her mom, several rows in front of me, doing the horrible dance of her terminal neurological disease. I see her brother across the aisle in a numb despair (me imposing my intuitive feelings upon him . . . and they my be accurate . . . or maybe not).  I feel the trough of the fall, the pain of being human it is total rawity.

It is such a mixture of emotions as I sat in the sanctuary of my old church, the first time in over two years.  I felt the choking of social anxiety.  I feel hated towards me there but had to remind my selfish self that none of this was about me. I left as soon as the service was over and am waiting over coffee and a computer for my wife, who stayed behind.

But I focus on those whose grief is beyond measure and I want to, willingly, splatter their pain all over me as a kind of baptism of empathy. I, of course, cannot imagine what it is like to loose a child or a sister because I never have. But I can allow my imagination to take me in that direction in the same way climbing a mountain, as I did yesterday, was moving me in the same direction as the sun.  I do this because if I suffered such loss, and the memorial room was filled with people, that is what I would request of them.  Not the cliches of "God doesn't make mistakes" but I want to see a tear that tells me that they at least want to understand my pain.  That is what would satisfy me.

I will have to stop with that thought before I even begin.  I will add that I sensed a strange awkwardness in this memorial that was beyond my own, personal one.  Evangelicalism seems to loose its voice like a opera singer with laryngitis at such convoluted morality that is involved with this tragic story.  I think how much better the memorials in the high church, where a few verses are read, a burning of candles, a ritual of grief and submission to God without any mortal trying to "make sense of it all" or to say the right thing.

Speaking of high church . . . moving on to a much less difficult topic . . . my church is again exceeding my expectations for a Sunday school program. We are studying Shakespeare for a few weeks.  I never imagined that I would be dissecting the prose of Hamlet in a Sunday school class . . . but it is a wonderful way to spend an hour.  My wife came with me today to my church.  There is no hope that she would ever join me there and I respect her decision to stay with her friends at the other church.

Our pastor spoke on forgiveness+reconciliation.  I did some soul searching. I know that when I'm hurt I can hold a grudge.  I think of this old church situation.  While I know that I reached out to the old pastor and he never did me, is that enough?  I have forgiven him . . . I think. But I don't believe in magic forgiveness anymore. I use to think, as an evangelical, that someone could rape and kill my family and then I could "forgive them" and never feel a negative emotion towards them again. But real forgiveness is more messy.  The boundaries of the emotions are not well defined, between the real and normal . . . and the pathological. But I had to ask myself, have I done enough?

My wife believes that if I really forgave her pastor, I would return to his church and feel no emotions when I see him.  I ironically came out of the bathroom at the hospital this week and ran right smack into him.  I shook his hand and we talked about family as we walked in the same direction. So is that reconciliation?  I don't know, but I must go.

   

Signs of an Abusive Church

I simply copied and pasted the following article from The Wartburg Watch because it was too important not to share. The book sounds great.  The only reason that I may not buy it is that it could conjure up too many bad memories for me.  But people who are entrapped in these abusive-spiritual relationships, the book would be a great empowering tool to help people have the ability to leave.

How can you spot an abusive church? Do you know the “red flags”? Dr. Ronald Enroth, is a leading scholar on cults and cultism, and his special perspectives have proven beneficial to both the secular and the religious society. Dr. Enroth is a professor of Sociology at Westmont College (Santa Barbara, California) where he has taught since 1965, beginning as a sociology instructor. In 1992 Enroth wrote Churches That Abuse, and it continues to be an important resource nearly two decades later.

Margaret Thaler Singer, a clinical psychologist and emeritus professor of the University of California, Berkeley, provided her hearty recommendation on the book’s jacket. Here is an excerpt:

“When does a church cross the line between conventional church status and fringe status? What is the nature of the process by which any given group devolves into a fringe church or movement? What are some of the signs or indicators that a given group is becoming abusive of its members and is headed for the margins? When should a member consider bailing out?

Churches That Abuse answers these and other important questions about abusive churches and groups that operate in this country – organizations and churches that are not necessarily characterized by doctrinal deviation but have particular traits that make them behavioral and sociological outsiders. It also helps readers identify and beware of abusive tendencies in more “normal” Christian churches.”

In his classic book Dr. Enroth identifies distinctive traits of abusive churches which should serve as “red flags”. Pat Zukeran, a research associate with Probe Ministries, has written an excellent review of Churches That Abuse, and we will be sharing excerpts from his article “Abusive Churches”, along with quotes from the book, to explain some of these identifying traits or “MARKS”.

(1) Control-oriented style of leadership

Pat Zukeran explains: “The leader in an abusive church is dogmatic, self- confident, arrogant, and the spiritual focal point in the lives of his followers. The leader assumes he is more spiritually in tune with God than anyone else…. To members of this type of church or group, questioning the leader is the equivalent of questioning God. Although the leader may not come out and state this fact, this attitude is clearly seen by the treatment of those who dare to question or challenge the leader…. In the hierarchy of such a church, the leader is, or tends to be, accountable to no one. Even if there is an elder board, it is usually made up of men who are loyal to, and will never disagree with, the leader. This style of leadership is not one endorsed in the Bible (emphasis mine).”

“Control-oriented leadership is at the core of all such churches. These spiritual power holders become strong role models, and their dogmatic teaching, bold confidence, and arrogant assertiveness become powerful forces of influence. They use their spiritual authority to intimidate the weak,” explains Ronald Enroth in Churches That Abuse (p. 80).

(2) Spiritual elitism

 

Abusive churches see themselves as special. In his book, Enroth explains that abusive churches have an “elitist orientation that is so pervasive in authoritarian-church movements. It alone has the Truth, and to question its teachings and practices is to invite rebuke.”

 

(3) Manipulation of members

 

“Spiritually abusive groups routinely use guilt, fear, and intimidation as effective means for controlling their members. In my opinion, the leaders consciously foster an unhealthy form of dependency, spiritually and interpersonally, by focusing on themes of submission, loyalty, and obedience to those in authority,” explains Dr. Enroth on page 103 of Churches That Abuse.

 

 

According to the Probe Ministries article: “Abusive churches are characterized by the manipulation of their members. Manipulation is the use of external forces to get others to do what someone else wants them to do. Here manipulation is used to get people to submit to the leadership of the church. The tactics of manipulation include the use of guilt, peer pressure, intimidation, and threats of divine judgment from God for disobedience. Often harsh discipline is carried out publicly to promote ridicule and humiliation.

 

Another tactic is the “shepherding” philosophy. As practiced in many abusive churches this philosophy requires every member to be personally accountable to another more experienced person. To this person, one must reveal all personal thoughts, feelings, and discuss future decisions. This personal information is not used to help the member but to control the member.”

 

(4) Perceived persecution

 

To explain this identifying mark, Zukeran writes: “Because abusive churches see themselves as elite, they expect persecution in the world and even feed on it. Criticism and exposure by the media are seen as proof that they are the true church being persecuted by Satan. However, the persecution received by abusive churches is different from the persecution received by Jesus and the Apostles.

Jesus and the Apostles were persecuted for preaching the truth. Abusive churches bring on much of their negative press because of their own actions. Yet, any criticism received, no matter what the source–whether Christian or secular–is always viewed as an attack from Satan, even if the criticisms are based on the Bible.”

 

(5) Lifestyle rigidity

 

Zukeran explains this mark as “a rigid, legalistic lifestyle of their members. This rigidity is a natural result of the leadership style. Abusive churches require unwavering devotion to the church from their followers. Allegiance to the church has priority over allegiance to God, family, or anything else. There are also guidelines for dress, dating, finances, and so on. Such details are held to be of major importance in these churches.

 

In churches like these, people begin to lose their personal identity and start acting like programmed robots. Many times, the pressure and demands of the church will cause a member to have a nervous breakdown or fall into severe depression."

On page 135 of Churches That Abuse, Enroth writes: “Life-style rigidity in abusive churches often manifests itself in a curiously reactive mode with regard to sexuality. Proscriptive measures reveal a sometimes bizarre preoccupation with sex that mental-health professionals would no doubt conclude gives evidence of repression.”

 

(6) Suppression of dissent

 

Abusive churches discourage questions and will not allow any input from members. The “anointed” leaders are in charge, PERIOD!

Enroth explains in his book that: “Unwavering obedience to religious leadership and unquestioning loyalty to the group would be less easily achieved if analysis and feedback were available to members from the outside. It is not without reason that leaders of abusive groups react so strongly and so defensively to any media criticism of their organizations.” (p. 162)

(7) Harsh discipline of members

“Virtually all authoritarian groups that I have studied impose discipline, in one form or another, on members. A common theme that I encountered during interviews with ex-members of these groups was that the discipline was often carried out in public — and involved ridicule and humiliation,” writes Dr. Enroth (p. 152).

Enroth also states: “In my research of abusive churches, I never cease to be amazed at the degree to which private and personal concerns are made public and brought to the attention of the congregation.”  (p. 137)

“The ultimate form of discipline in authoritarian churches is excommunication or disfellowshipping, followed by strict avoidance procedures, or shunning,” writes Enroth (p. 157).

(8) Denunciation of other churches

According to Zukeran’s article on Enroth’s book, “abusive churches usually denounce all other Christian churches. They see themselves as spiritually elite. They feel that they alone have the truth and all other churches are corrupt…. There is a sense of pride in abusive churches because members feel they have a special relationship with God and His movement in the world. In his book Churches That Abuse, Dr. Ron Enroth quotes a former member of one such group who states, “Although we didn’t come right out and say it, in our innermost hearts we really felt that there was no place in the world like our assembly. We thought the rest of Christianity was out to lunch….A church which believes itself to be elite and does not associate with other Christian churches is not motivated by the spirit of God but by divisive pride.”

(9) Painful exit process

 

Finally, Zukeran explains that abusive churches have “a painful and difficult exit process. Members in many such churches are afraid to leave because of intimidation, pressure, and threats of divine judgment. Sometimes members who exit are harassed and pursued by church leaders. The majority of the time, former members are publicly ridiculed and humiliated before the church, and members are told not to associate in any way with any former members. This practice is called shunning.

Many who leave abusive churches because of the intimidation and brainwashing, actually feel they have left God Himself. None of their former associates will fellowship with them, and they feel isolated, abused, and fearful of the world.”

We want to conclude with these important words from Dr. Ronald Enroth in Churches That Abuse (pp. 174-175). He explains:

“…leaving an abusive church can be extremely difficult, calling into question every aspect of life members may have experienced for the period of time they were involved. I want to discuss the range of emotions and issues that ex-members may face when they exit an abusive-church situation. Then I will provide a general overview of the changing experiences, feelings, and needs that emerge over the course of weeks, months, and even years after departure.

Leaving a restricted and abusive community involves what sociologists call the desocialization process whereby the individual loses identification with the past group and moves toward resocialization, or reintegration into the mainstream culture. There are a number of emotions and needs that emerge during this transition process. How one deals with these feelings and affective experiences has a significant impact on the overall healing that is required.

Many have described the aftermath of abusive-church involvement as comparable to that of rape victims, or the delayed stress syndrome experienced by war veterans. It is recovery from what might be called spiritual rape. You feel like something has been lost and you will never be the same again.

Initially, victims may have a total lack of feeling regarding their experience. They may not evidence pain, anger, sadness, or even joy at being free. Such lack of feeling may be a protective mechanism from the strong surge of emotion that is sure to come. Victims need a safe and secure environment in which to vent their emotions. Such venting was often labeled as “sin” in their previous environments, and it may take some time until they give themselves permission to allow these feelings to surface.

Whether or not they show any emotion, victims are in great need of empathetic, objective individuals who will not treat them like spiritual pariahs or paranoid storytellers. The events they have just been through are as unbelievable to them as they are to their listeners. They have experienced great social and psychological dislocation. An open attitude on the part of friends, family, and counselors greatly assists the healing process.”

Dr. Enroth has made Churches That Abuse available in its entirety online.

You can also access Churches That Abuse at the Apologetics Index website.

Lydia's Corner:   2 Kings 10:32-12:21   Acts 18:1-22   Psalm 145:1-21   Proverbs 18:1

Atheist Church - - - Another Delusion

I came across two stories recently about the "atheist church movement."  One was in the US media and it spotlighted such a "church" in Cambridge, MA and this one (linked here) is in the UK.  I can't find the US media piece, but due to time limitations, I don't have a lot of time to search.

I am often critical of evangelicals and their delusions about life.  I'm sitting in East Tennessee right now and I would be tempted to go in that direction based on things I've heard in the past few days. But instead I will focus on this third-person issue.

It is totally illogical that you can find any meaning or make any sense in a spontaneous universe, which atheism requires. To rescue orphan babies and give them a healthy and emotionally supportive life, within that paradigm, is no different than collecting them and chopping them up to make soup for your gluttonous consumption.  Both are equal.

In the US-media article they mentioned that one of the "meaningful" aspects of the atheist church movement to so promote the positive aspects of community. But, once again there can be no difference in that spontaneous universe between community and total isolation for all of eternity, or even worse, mutual extermination from hatred. There is actually no difference between "meaningful" and total meaningless.

It shocks me that often very intelligent people are attacked to these groups. But they should know better. It is that endless attempt to fill that void (desiring meaning) where it is impossible to do so.  You must pay the piper. If you choose a universe that is random in origins, then you must be an adult about it and live consistency within that paradigm. All is meaningless. Nihilism is the ONLY option.  I don't care if you have a PhD in philosophy or anthropology . . . it is still impossible and to instill meaning is to think like a kindergartener.

But, and I say this for equality, that if you choose to believe that the universe is created by a personal God, which I do, then you still have some great challenges, but finding meaning isn't one of those.
 

The Paradox of Fate and an American Tragedy Part II

Sorry that it has taken a long time to get back.

Of course I agree with the commenters on the last post as I think many of us here are on the same page. One may ask, "So what's the big deal if we all agree on this?"  The deal is, we are the aberration. I challenge you to walk into any evangelical church (and I've done this) and use the word "luck" as, "Poor thing . . . they have had a lot of bad luck lately."  You will get looks of horror on the faces of people. "Luck? No . . . I serve a mighty God and He is in control of everything!"

I've told the story here before about a 4 year old toddler in a previous church, who's father accidentally backed over him in the riding lawnmower and decapitated him. We were all in a state of shock and grief when one of my fellow elders took the podium (three days after the accident) and proclaimed, "What are we so down about?  I serve the God of the universe and not one hair of Joey's head could have moved without God ordaining it. We must accept what God has done because He has a purpose that only He can understand!"  The whole church broke out in Amen's. Joey's parents stopped coming to church in the subsequent months. They divorced (blamed each other for the accident . . . she left the door unlatch . . . he wasn't looking where he was going).  I assume neither ever darkened the door of a church again.

I heard an interview with Kushner (When Bad Things Happen to Good People) and he said that he had to choose between a benevolent God or a omnipotent God as you can not have both. He said he preferred an benevolent one and had to re-think God in, what I would call, this-side-of-fate, terms.  That God didn't have control of fate.

But I think you can have it both ways.  A loving God, who is in control, but under who's watch nature (fallen nature) plays itself out along lines of cause and effect and probability. Bad things can happen to Good people as good things can happen to bad people without any superstitious connections to a higher purpose.

A good friend of mine is an example of another story. It is not so severe. I will summarize it.

Craig is an extremely nice guy, one of the nicest I've ever known. His wife had a dream of creating her own business. He supported her 100%.  He liquidated his retirement (he is about 52 years old) and invested in the business.  It completely failed within six months and he lost everything.  He had no hard feelings. She, on the surface, was not troubled . . .  with "Jesus is in control" thinking. But one morning she pulled up in front of the Church (where she was very active) and he could not get her out of the car. She started a downward spiral of anger directed at him (I think from her self-doubt and anger).  She walked out of his life after 25 years of marriage. She left the church, her children and her friends and moved into a lonely apartment in another city.

Then, out of the blue, Craig's employer announced that they were shutting down the US operations and he was being laid off.  At age 52 he was unemployed.  He gave up his house and began couch surfing.

So he went from a stable, happy family with a good job and good retirement to alone, broke and no job, all in about six months. And Craig had done NOTHING wrong.

If math is the language of nature, which it is, then fate follows probabilities. On the bell-curve there are those who are born into rich families and with IQs of 150.  They grow to be 6'4", dark, extremely handsome, state all stars in multiple sports without even trying hard. They live to 105 years old, having never had a major illness.  Because they are rich they spend their lives exploring caves in New Guinea and drinking wine in France. They write books for fun, and the books are accidentally discovered and become best sellers.  Some of these people are Christians, most are not.

On the other end are the Brendas. Or I think of the babies born with terminal cancer and live a few, very torturous months.

We do have to divorce God from fate and luck or we will have the tendency to re-invent Him as the weak but loving God or the strong but cruel one.

The Paradox of Fate and an American Tragedy Part I

 It is Father’s Day, so I will allow myself the luxury of typing over some coffee for an hour or so.  I miss these times as they are rare anymore and were so dear to me at one time.

Firsts, there is an item of old business that I want to address.  I have no clue what is happening but I’m continuing to get thousands, if not tens of thousands, of “visits” to this blog daily from Germany.  It corresponds to the time of the German work day.  Even within my greatest narcissistic tendencies, I doubt if these people are coming here to read posts.  I suspect it is either a computer glitch where Google is reporting the traffic but the traffic is not real. The other possibility is a deliberate cyber-attack (as some bored nerds are known to do just for entertainment).  But the reason I don’t think the visits could be real is that no one is commenting and that would be impossible with so many real hits. But if anyone has a clue what this is happening . . . I’m all ears.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the issue of fate . . . or chance. I know I’ve written about it many times. But the philosophical concept of fate has been one of the greatest paradoxes for both philosophers and theologians.

I’m certain you could feel your way along the slippery veins of this debate back to the invention of language. However, I will start with the Greeks.  They struggled immensely with this problem. It always comes down to the problem of positioning of their God or gods.

If the Greeks placed their gods behind fate, where fate stood between them and their gods, then they would have to define the personalities and characters of the gods as ambivalent at best, and cruel at the worst.  But man cannot live contently with a cruel god because there is nothing but labels that would separate him/her from the devil.

So they tried to move their gods to this side of fate, where the gods stood on the same side of fate as men (meaning “mankind” of course).  But like something that stands between you and a distant object, for that distant object to continuing influencing you, you have to beat down on the near object until it is small enough to see around.

This is exactly what the Greeks did.  Their gods had to be beaten down to the same size as the Marvel Superman.  Their gods were of incredible power, but to be benevolent they were never in the full control of fate.

The Christians have fared no better with the debate than the Greeks.  They would like to think so.  I’ve heard many pastors and Christian teachers claim that the Christian God is unique in solving these problems.  But He has not . . . or at least not in the way we present Him.

The Christian God has been presented as being far behind fate . . . being totally sovereign over even the most minor detail. They try to answer God’s then problem of justice by weaving in mystery.  Mystery is fine.  We will never fully understand God, so mystery must fill in the gaps.  But in this case, I see this mystery as a Styrofoam filling to hold things up.

In our Christian circles we say things like, “God is in control.”  When we are at the small things, this reasoning works fine. But when we get to the big things, such as tornados drowning little children, we apply mystery. But the problem is that we apply mystery in the wrong place. We say that God did cause the tornado, He did direct it towards the School, He did cause the horrible deaths of the little children, but the mystery is in his motives.  He did this for some good reason and that good reason is beyond our comprehension.

But while we say those on the surface, our sub-consciousness never can believe it because it defiles reason, the reason that God has given us. From that point forward, our relationship with God changes forever (a deep emotional change).  We may still smile and say that God is in control, but we no longer trust Him. While we say intellectually that He is control, emotionally (which can be tied to reason on the subconscious level) we believe that He is cruel.

I will pause with the discussion points to tell two real stories. But now it is getting late and this is getting long, I think I will tell just one story and come back with a part II.  Then at the end, I want to give a new way of solving this ageless problem.

Brenda has been on my heart this entire week.  She is a fine woman and has never made any major errors in her planning that I know of.

She was married to a “godly man.” This godly man was also the associate pastor of a small charismatic church.  Brenda discovered that both he had been sexually molesting their two small children, but that he had a sexual addiction. Not only was it in his imagination with porn, but in reality by having sexual relations with the church secretary.  Like most manipulative men do in these situations, he convinced the secretary that she was really special.  He accused his wife, and children, of lying about the abuse. It was some demonic plot to destroy him . . . his words, not mine.  He eventually persuaded this young secretary to marry him and he divorced his demonically-influenced wife (because she had “made up” the stories about him molesting the children).

He and his new wife move to another city where he helped to start and pastor a new church. Since he never paid child support, Brenda had to work two low-paying jobs to make ends meet. By the time her two children were in high school, both of them started having serious mental health problems.  They would admit that their problems were stemmed in a full frontal hatred for their father . . . a very “godly man.”

To move this story on quickly, the son eventually finished high school, became addicted and homeless. The daughter wrestled with serious (life-threatening) anorexia.  Brenda was deeply involved with both children in a loving way.  She was devoted to them.  Brenda was a stellar parent despite the hardships and working long hours.

Brenda, suddenly became ill. She was diagnoses with terminal ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease).  She is slowing losing her ability to walk and move well.  She is near the poverty line.  Both of her children live in other cities now.

Her daughter seemed to having turned the corner in her life from a mental health stand point.  She was in a relationship with a good man. Her mother was excited that despite her son still struggling with his demons, living in the streets, that her long hours with her daughter and unyielding love and acceptance, not to mention her unceasing prayers were paying off. Her daughter became pregnant and was so excited about becoming a mother and getting her life on the right track.

Brenda seemed more excited than I have seen her in years about the thoughts of her daughter getting her life together, and a grandchild on the way.

Brenda’s daughter suddenly became gravely ill and was hospitalized. A therapeutic abortion was done to help save the mother’s life. It seemed to have worked as she was discharged from the hospital doing much better.  Brenda was deeply shaken up by the event but she was hopeful.

Brenda’s daughter killed herself this week.

How do you look at Brenda and tell her that this was God’s intended will?  All of it? IS there a temptation to make theological sense by blaming Brenda or her kids?

In my opinion, Brenda deserves sainthood.  I think her kids did the best that they could with what they had been dealt.  I was mentor to her son for a short period of time and I know that he wanted to Know God . . . in an honest way. But he was thrown in the river by life and the baggage of his father’s sin was pulling him under.

I will finish this story next time and raise the question, what role did God have?  Did He really do all of this to teach them patience? May God have mercy on those who think this perverted way.

German Friends . . . Some Insight Please

Okay, I don't know what is going on but I'm having about 6-7 Thousand visitors per hour from Germany today. Normally a great day, with an Imonk comment, I'm having 3-4 hundred. So, please let me know what is going on in Germany to stir up such visits?

The Lost Art of Hatred

Somewhere in the Victorian age, I think we lost our (good) sense of hatred.  I read an article on BBC this morning about the Taliban cutting the heads off of two children because they caught them digging in the garbage outside their camp, looking for food.  So, from the gut, I posted the following, which was linked to the article.

It is interesting that the word "Taliban" is the Arabic word for "students." It stems from the same word, which is in Greek "Liber" which means to peel the bark (like birch bark) from a tree, which was used as paper (also the root to the word "library"). So Taliban means the stud-iers of books. However, what it really means in this setting is a group of the most stupid people on the planet, most of who can't read, and who narcissist leaders tell them what the books "say." So in their stupidity they somehow see justice in beheading little children because they were digging in their garbage cans looking for food. May this planet soon be rid of the scourge of the Taliban. May the next great viral epidemic of suffering and death only effect the Taliban for the great evil they have brought to the world (especially women), and especially to the wonderful people of Pakistan, Afghanistan and the region. I may sound like Dante, but may they join the Natzis, the Khmer Rouge and others who inhabit the lower parts of the bowels of hell.


However, as I thought about it, I know that such harsh words will offend many of my evangelical friends whom I am friends with on Facebook.  So, I think we have lost the will and the art of hatred. Christians hate all the time (like gays and etc.) but they just don't express it verbally or in written words like I tried to do here.