tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post2403780550710824813..comments2024-01-12T12:39:47.241-08:00Comments on The Christian Monist: The Fall Within - More About My Anxiety Story Part IIIUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-23522680520448915672009-09-02T15:17:02.007-07:002009-09-02T15:17:02.007-07:00Adventure-in-mercy,
Just an add-on to what you we...Adventure-in-mercy,<br /><br />Just an add-on to what you were saying, I have a huge number of (mostly) women who have somatizaion disorders. Multiple medical problems without any physical evidence for them. They suffer greatly. The typical story for most is that they were severely abused, often as children. I think emotional pain can get so bad, that it eventual becomes physical pain.MJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09240462070445948163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-70510050043050563582009-09-02T14:44:47.523-07:002009-09-02T14:44:47.523-07:00Fear spell . . . that makes sense.
Especially whe...<i>Fear spell . . . that makes sense.</i><br /><br />Especially when you know the weird circumstances surrounding it.<br /><br />Fullerton, California, 1980. I was visiting a gamer bud after a D&D game, and had an odd feeling like I was being watched; what American country folklore calls a "Behinder" -- you KNOW that something's always behind you, always hiding out of your sight. (I found out later that apartment had a reputation for "strange goings-on".)<br /><br />After a while, I thought I could sense a location and direction to whatever was going on -- a little East of North, on a line to Brea Canyon, Cal Poly Pomona, and Death Valley. At this point, I said a prayer of protection. And that's when it hit. Total, sudden, full-honk Panic Attack.<br /><br />A Fear spell, and I blew my saving throw rolling a one -- a sudden, instantaneous, all-consuming fear coming straight out of nowhere. Total freakout like I've never had before or since.<br /><br />Somehow I got home that night, still terrified to the point of paralysis. Over the next two days (a weekend, fortunately) the all-consuming fear gradually subsided; by Monday I was functional enough to call a couple of the Cal Poly Gang and get a prayer-chain going.<br /><br />Upon my next contact with the guy in whose apartment this all went down (some 2-3 weeks later), I found out that another who was in that apartment had narrowly survived a staphlycoccal septicemia that hit him just as the prayer-chain went underway. My informant told me cryptically "You don't know half the weird shit that goes on here", and his roomie told me that such "weird shit" (presumably "psychic") shut down abruptly around the same time.<br /><br />I chalk this up as one of two possible paranormal experiences I've had in my life. And a demo on what it's like to "get hit by a Fear spell."<br /><br />Headless Unicorn Guy<br /><br />P.S. Some years later, I expanded the experience into a scenario for a contemporary-supernatural role-playing game, but the scenario-pack project fell through.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-17152869258202528462009-09-02T14:11:56.653-07:002009-09-02T14:11:56.653-07:00I don't think I've ever really talked abou...I don't think I've ever really talked about it much... In many ways, I've just processed it over this last year, in that I've been realizing the full extent of what happened to me... I am careful/cautious about what I share on my blog, regarding my marriage, just because I don't exactly know who is reading, but I feel a bit more free in, say, comment boxes elsewhere and other more private-feeling venues. <br /><br />For me, it was just a lot of fear, fear that something horrible was going to happen. I would know that it was completely illogical, yet it was like I couldn't help it, just in absolute fear for my children or something similar, late into the night so that I couldn't sleep. It was so horrible when it first happened, hard to breath, etc. I felt so guilty and ashamed, too, like, what in the world was wrong with me? <br /><br />When I finally found a doctor (well, PA actually) who listened to me describe all my crazy symptoms and help me, it all made SO much sense... My body was just breaking down under the strain of living in such stressful conditions, made especially so by having no "allowed/approved" outlet for all the feelings that accompany living with someone who is mentally ill and abusive. I've since learned that it is very common for a woman in an abusive environment to have her body start going haywire after a certain amount of time... <br /><br />My body just stopped working properly...along with the strange panic attacks at night, my muscles twitched, my skin broke out, I felt weak, lost way too much weight, my skin felt creepy and strange, my scalp and face had these super painful spots on them (I actually still have that... Very painful spots on my head, no bruises or anything, just very tender points all over)...it was just WEIRD...up to that point, I'd considered myself really healthy...my body falling apart just took me by total suprise and was really freaky...which was, in a sense, a blessed wake-up call for me. I was so good at burying the way that I felt that without my body breaking down, I am not sure I ever would have known. <br /><br />Now, when the panic-ish feelings come on, which is not very often, I can feel the adrenalin starting to rush in and often times can head it off before it progresses any further. It's almost always late at night, and I've found that deep breathing helps, as is giving my mind something to concentrate on---mostly that. I put on my ipod and turn on a podcast---anything of interest, from Steve Brown Etc, to the godjourney podcasts, to This American Life or 60 minutes or Bill Moyers, etc... There is something about having an intellectual focus that seems to calm the adrenalin down right away. I usually drift straight to sleep. 99.9 out of 100 times, this works within minutes, if not sooner than that. I don't have a social anxiety or anything of that sort...it's just a general sense of fear/panic...so this works perfectly for me. Exercise also makes a big difference...working out and weight lifting, wow. What a good thing that has been on the stress levels and whatnot. <br /><br />I think I spent unneccessary time HELPING my anxiety grow by stressing out about the fact that I was having these weird panic attacks in the first place. I felt like such a failure, or that something was so horribly wrong with me (all things that I was already predisposed to think, given my marital situation and the words that were so often said my way)... Anyways, I didn't mean to ramble...even though I know my anxiety thing is it's own weird deal and not like yours, there was much I could relate with.<br /><br />Okay, on to read your latest post...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-62465825787023617892009-09-02T12:57:18.682-07:002009-09-02T12:57:18.682-07:00Fear spell . . . that makes sense.
Adven-n-mercy,...Fear spell . . . that makes sense.<br /><br />Adven-n-mercy, maybe you would like to write a complete posting or two about your experiences, or if you've done it on your web page, give a link to it.<br /><br />Jaimie, it must have taken a lot of courage to take those classes. I did one play in HS and I was the lead (I was Daniel Boone and the play was "The Daniel Boone Story). I made it through that okay. But today, the theater would scare the heck out of me.MJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09240462070445948163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-30822569878475150222009-09-02T12:19:20.895-07:002009-09-02T12:19:20.895-07:00Everything you are writing is so good to read. I a...Everything you are writing is so good to read. I am realizing things about my childhood... how I would shy away from social events. Even if I went on a youth activity, I would sit in the corner and read a book nearly the entire time. I was just more comfortable with fantasy. If I couldn't read, I had stories running through my head. It's made me creative with the writing, at least. Heh.<br /><br />I hated and loathed the idea of taking a speech class in high school. However, I was decently talented at it. The theory of it, the organization, although my delivery of course sucked. I felt like I was giving the speech in auto-pilot. I could prepare and prepare but once I got up to give the speech in front of people, who knew what would happen.<br /><br />In college, I majored in communication and took five speech classes, along with studying the art of speech writing and delivery. I also minored in theatre and took performance classes. I think this is because I was annoyed with the public anxiety "weakness." And so I trained it out of me. <br /><br />Taking those classes helped me so much. No matter what I do now, I have been in a more nerve-wracking situation. I was delivering monologues and speeches in front of 3,000 people. And even if I delivered a speech in front of 10,000 people, I'm not being graded like I was in class. Ugh, GRADED for a speech is just the WORST. I learned in classes that most of your audience wants you to do well (statistically!), and if you start to screw up, they actually feel embarrassed for you... the audience is your friend, haha.<br /><br />Anyway, I didn't realize until now that I did not major in communication because I liked it... I did it because I couldn't stand being afraid anymore. I'm still afraid, but not nearly what I was. <br /><br />And now my anxiety is mostly... general, irrational, depression/angst about the future.Jaimie Teekellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07845537262456320501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-1498738019577442402009-09-02T10:38:29.882-07:002009-09-02T10:38:29.882-07:00I'll be back to comment on your comments . . ....I'll be back to comment on your comments . . . had just second to upload my last post.MJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09240462070445948163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-88350876222875853442009-09-02T09:49:55.296-07:002009-09-02T09:49:55.296-07:00I never had a panic anything in my life until I li...I never had a panic anything in my life until I lived in an abusive marriage, and the stress of that environment slowly changed the way my body worked... The first panic attack hit about 6-7 years into the marriage and my body went downhill from there. I didn't know what was happening to me...they grew in intensity until I finally figured out what was going on. <br /><br />I never told anyone at first...so freaked out by it...not sure what was happening...and in a climate where that kind of stuff would be frowned upon...just couldn't take the "trust in God" cliche stuff... I would just sit in bed and shake, totally and completely paralyzed with fear. I knew it didn't make any sense, and yet I couldn't stop it. My body was breaking down in so many different ways, the panic being just one of them...I think that I was just so strong and good at putting up a front (not all for the wrong reasons---I truly thought that it was God's will that I be cheerful and not think any negative thoughts about my "spiritual leader")....so when the panic started and stuff, I mostly just kept it all to myself (aside from multiple doctor visits to try and figure out what in the world was happening to me)... it was SO NICE to finally figure out what was going on. Talk about a relief! Even when being flooded with adrenalin, it's still nice to know that it's simply a physiological response gone wrong, etc... <br /><br />The extreme panic stuff peaked about two and a half years ago and then, once I figured out what was going on, slowly started getting better, though my "panic response" is on a hair trigger, especially as the day progresses into night. It is really frustrating, but yet there has been so much improvement that I'm more encouraged than anything else. Often, I can feel one starting to come on and can head it off at the pass, though as you said, it certainly takes energy/concentration to do that. <br /><br />I don't know if it will ever heal entirely...probably not...but there is so much power in knowing what it is, vs. not realizing what was going on and just being in the throes of utter terror.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-2114571447263605452009-09-02T09:29:55.122-07:002009-09-02T09:29:55.122-07:00Though I probably have a low-grade anxiety disorde...Though I probably have a low-grade anxiety disorder (and am very prone to guilt manipulation), I have only had one full-honk panic attack in my life. (And the instantaneous onset and surrounding circumstances make me suspect that one may actually have had a paranormal/supernatural trigger.)<br /><br />There's only one way to describe a sudden-onset panic attack, and that's in D&D terms: <br /><br />It's like getting hit with a Fear spell.<br /><br />Headless Unicorn GuyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878914472051909043.post-18127431689698133392009-09-01T20:31:25.528-07:002009-09-01T20:31:25.528-07:00Completely absorbed in your story.Completely absorbed in your story.Don Hendrickshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13807417739407553416noreply@blogger.com