The Subtle Art of Christian Flirting

Okay, it was about two weeks ago that I started to walk down this precarious path of discussing flirting within the Church, especially by married people. I say “precarious” because I knew that the level of honestly would take me down almost to the basement of reality. I eventually woke up in the middle of the night (while I had only had a rough draft saved on my computer) feeling that it was going too far. The next morning I deleted it.

Then, it was a comment that Eagle said a couple of posts ago that brought this to my mind again. You know where I’m going with this . . . honestly about the flirtations that do take place. It is part of the unspoken world beneath the belly of Christendom.

I will give you my introduction to this topic and why I even started thinking about this.

I work in a medical office where there are three women who work at the front desk. One, in her late fifties (I will call her Deb) is an evangelical Christian and happily married. A second one (I will call Paula) is young, about 25 and from a very dysfunctional family. She has no hesitation referring to her upbringing as “We were trailer trash . . . Jewish . . . trailer trash.” Her mom and dad both were substance abusers and they only jobs they held were in front of slot machines. But Paula rose above all that to put herself through school. She functions as the parent to her (remaining dysfunctional) parents. So there is this Yin and Yang dynamic in the front office, there’s Deb, a conservative older Christian and Paula, a younger person with a rough upbringing. But there is also a dichotomy in how the two view reality. Paula is brutally honest while Deb is the typical Evangelical. The third person doesn’t play a part in this story.

So one day I’m in my office waiting for my next patient. In a few minutes Paula comes back and says, rolling her eyes, I would bring your patient back but Deb is busy flirting with the patient’s husband.

I laughed, thinking there was a joke buried in her statement. Then she adds, “No, I’m serious. Anytime there is a hot younger man up at the window, you can’t get Deb off of him.”

After Paula left my office, I sat and pondered her honestly. I think she was really telling the truth.

Now it was just that night that I had a second experience that continued to drive this thought home (and why I posted the post about my own marriage).

We had this huge tree next to our house that my wife had noticed was dead. I have spent many years burning firewood as our main source of heat both here and in Michigan. So I know how to use a chainsaw and splitter. But Denise, rightly, pointed out how huge this tree was and if it went a few degrees in the wrong direction it could hit the house (causing major damage) or kill me. She, who is usually very frugal about money, suggested that I hire a professional. So I did. It was hard to do, because I really thought I could bring the tree down . . . plus Dave (the professional) wanted $200 bucks.

Dave showed up that night. He pulled up his truck, yanked out his saw and cut down the tree. Dave was about 30, and looked like he just stepped out of an L. L. Bean catalog . . . you know, handsome, rugged etc.

Denise was in the house, so I came up and asked her to write out a check. I was a little irritated because Dave had told me on the phone that the total price was $200, but when he gave me the bill it was for $226. I know not much higher but still I found it irritating.

But Denise came down the drive way, I reached for the check but she walked right past me to Dave. The two of then instantly entered a lively conversation like they were long lost friends. Denise was saying things like, "Wow! I can't believe how good you are. You brought that tree down exactly where we wanted it . . . and so quickly. I knew if my husband had tried it he would have gotten hurt."

Mr. L. L. Dave Bean responded, "Well, I'm a professional and very good at what I do."

I stepped out of the way so they could continue their conversation, plus Denise totally tunes me out in these situations and I become invisible even though I'm trying to talk too.

It didn’t take Dave and Denise long to figure out that they were both Christians. Then they went on and on. I can always tell when Denise is flirting. I don’t mean it in a bad way, like sexy flirting, but you can tell when a man is sweeping her off her emotional feet. I am confident if lumberjack Dave was 50, fat and bald that she would not have come out of the house.

So, I started to explore my own feelings. So, while I am candid in saying that this type of surface flirting, comes easy to Denise, deep insecurity comes easy to me. Am I a jealous man? I guess I am. At times like this I wish I were a Taliban. You know, disguising my deep insecurities and selfishness with religious dogma--forcing my wife to put a bag over her head and stay in the house, never talking to other men. But what Denise exhibited is normal. I have brought up the point to her that she is flirting and it makes her instantly angry to suggest so.

Of course men flirt too. I’m not the type of guy to go out of my way to talk to a really pretty woman. They intimidate me. I think I only did it for a while, and that was 12 years ago. I did it intentionally when I was really angry at Denise for a while. I sensed how dangerous it was for me. I honestly don’t think that Denise’s type of flirting is dangerous for her, because I can’t see her gong past that superficial type. But when I did it, and the person flirted back, I knew I was playing with fire and it scared the hell out of me.

So, this is getting too long, but I wanted to raise this unmentionable question of how flirting is part of Evangelicalism. How many pastors have picked the sexy, pretty women in the church for important jobs.

More to come . . . unless I get too nervous tonight and come back and delete this.